got any good jokes?

[Je Suis Phnomne]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m the junior senator from Massachusetts. I am also going to be my party’s nominee for the President.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country well, so you take the last parachute.”

The girl said, “That’s okay. There’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

[Vodstok]

A man come shome from work to find his wife on the kitchen floor, scrubbing. he stares at her butt in her skirt wigging back and forth as she scrubs, and is overtaken with lust.

He lifts the back of her skirt, pull sher panties down and makes wild passionate whoopie with her.

When he's done, he slaps her up side the back of her head. She screams "What the hell was that for?!"

"For not looking back to see who it was."

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"

"Oh....Just a couple minutes ago."

[bloodrayne]

Thanks for the laughs guys...I needed that...Here's one from the Shadowman RPG...

The little boy and the serial killer walk into the woods at night...The little boy is holding his hand and he looks up into the serial killer's face...Shivering from cold and fright, he says "Please mister...I am so scared in these deep, dark woods, I can't see a thing...I'm cold and hungry and lost and I really want my mommy...Please mister...I'm really, REALLY SCARED..." and the little boy is crying profusely, so the serial killer looks down at him and says "Shutup and stop whining...How the hell do you think I feel?? I have to walk back out of these deep, dark, cold, scary woods...ALL BY MYSELF!!!"...


Now, wasn't that funny?...:D

[Vodstok]

You are sick, lady.... Keep it up :D

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Vodstok
You are sick, lady.... Keep it up :D

Thanks for the compliment;)

[hellfire1]

sick bloodrayne !! here's a cute one :

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!

[Egekrusher]

I just sent that one around work here... everyone fucking loved it.

[hellfire1]

lol ;)

[Je Suis Phnomne]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."