Every village needs an idiot -- and M. Night Shyamalan is hoping it's you. With any luck, you will "heed my warning" and save yourself a few bucks and 107 minutes of your life you would never get back.

I believe we were warned when the disastrous Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan aired on the Sci-Fi Channel. I'll admit, I was roped in. The ads were intriguing. I tuned in, then tuned out about 10 minutes later in complete disgust. I was similarly captivated by the trailers and ads for The Village. I eagerly attended the press screening, but unfortunately in this case I could not change the channel 10 minutes into the program.

I'll admit, my film fan-to-filmmaker relationship with Shyamalan has gone steadily downhill since his brilliant debut, The Sixth Sense (1999). I loved that movie, still do, and count it among my all-time favorites. Unbreakable (2000) was unremarkable, and Signs (2002) was unbearable. The Village should be condemned. I'm beginning to think Andrew Mondshein, the editor who worked on The Sixth Sense with Shayamalan and hasn't been rehired by him since, may be the real one with a sixth sense for what audiences want. Contrary to the flippancy I employ in my negative reviews, I really don't enjoy writing them. I don't like to hurt filmmakers or actors. I know that no one ever sets out to make a bad movie, but I refuse to be one of those wishy-washy critics who writes "non-reviews" and doesn't give an honest opinion. Agree with me, or disagree, one thing you can always count on is my sincerity.

The Village opens on the seemingly idyllic lives of the small community of Covington, Pennsylvania, sometime in the 19th century. The town's apparent leader, Edward Walker (William Hurt), and his associated village elders, including August Nicholson (Sigourney Weaver) and Edward Walker (Brendan Gleeson), run everything as smoothly as churned butter. Early on we meet Walker's two spunky red-haired daughters, Kitty and Ivy (Judy Greer and Bryce Dallas Howard), both of whom are in love with the stoic, mostly mute Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix). Kitty is brash and impetuous while Ivy, who was born blind, has a quieter, more steadfast way about her. Still, Ivy runs across open fields, climbs stairs and dances with abandon. She also has an amazing command of her eye-lead, uncannily glancing at people as they speak or looking in the direction of sounds -- or could it be that the actress, who was not auditioned for the role, simply spent too much time in boot camp and not enough in blind camp? Yep, that's the buzz: Shyamalan made all of the lead actors spend time in a "19th Century Boot Camp" so they would seem completely authentic in their roles. It didn't work; no matter which line he's delivering Hurt is pontificating as usual, and Michael Pitt looks as though he's about to say, "Dude, where's my cloak?" at any moment.

It wouldn't be "An M. Night Shyamalan Film" without some supernatural elements and a twist ending. While I am verboten from revealing plot spoilers (which I wouldn't do anyway), I will say that the so-called supernatural Creatures look like leftover costumes from the original Star Trek, and the twist is easily guessable so early on it's like a kick in the teeth when it finally comes (think: Dallas, Bobby Ewing in the shower). Speaking of the derivative aspects of The Village, you'd be better off watching Don't Look Now (1973), The Blair Witch Project (1999) and any episode of The Twilight Zone, chased by a Fantasy Island.

I know you can't entertain all of the people of the time (or fool them, for that matter) but perhaps The Village's most unforgivable transgression is that it's boring. It's clumsy, predictable, ponderous and downright dull. Just when you're about to nod off, Shyamalan throws in a glimpse of a Creature ("Those We Do Not Speak Of"). Now your interest may be piqued for a moment or two, but it will soon dissolve into guffaws as the dialogue becomes even more stilted. In one of the most vomit-inducing lines ever written or delivered in an "A" drama -- and incidentally, the line that got the most laughs -- Ivy holds up a leather pouch and alludes to the fact that she can leave the village unscathed because she has the "magic rocks" (audiences attending the film won't be so lucky). It's never a good sign when the audience is tittering, chuckling, and laughing out loud throughout a film that was intended to be serious, but at least some folks had a better time than I did.

I will say that besides seeing the end-credits, there were a couple of things I liked about The Village: Roger Deakins' cinematography, and one superb "didn't-see-it-coming" moment. I was also grateful that this time, Shyamalan's famous cameo did not include significant dialogue. Aside from that, the only thing I can say about Shyamalan's latest film quotes the tagline: Run. The truce is ending.

Review by Staci Layne Wilson [1] for Horror.com