If I were any less inspired to write these reviews, I'd be in a coma. Fortunately, my vital signs are still blipping and I can warn you against three buzz-kills coming to DVD — each could not be more different from the other, yet I was unable to find anything to like in the supernatural thriller (Damned By Dawn), the classic people-eater comedy (Cannibal Girls), or the psycho-stalker suspenser (Coffin Rock).
DAMNED BY DAWN
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Billed as a successor to the classic Sam Raimi splat-fests, the only thing Damned By Dawn has in common with those is a low-budget and a high-spirited filmmaker. Director Brett Anstey's got gumption, but it does not translate in any way, shape or form here (learning about him and his crew on the DVD extra "Making the Damned Film" was much more entertaining than the feature itself). Unlike the Evil Dead flicks, Damned By Dawn is a dumb and dour affair, agony prolonged by poor acting and even sadder special effects.
Its heart in the right place, but its tongue not firmly in cheek, Damned By Dawn follows the death and undead life of Nana (Dawn Klingberg). The sickly old woman has heard the call of the banshee and knows that soon she will die and the shrieking creature of legend will take her soul — so, Nana gathers her family around and gives special instructions to the more sensible of her two granddaughters, Claire (Renee Wilner), to have her corpse cremated. Of course, this does not happen and Nana's restless cadaver does all kinds of awful things to her younger granddaughter Jen (Taryn Eva) — as well as other relatives I can't remember and don't care about. Thanks to Claire's carelessness, not only is grandma grave-less, but so is every other dead person within miles (something to do with cheating the banshee out of the souls promised to her).
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Ordinarily, I'll cut an indie lots of slack. (In fact, I did — when I saw this movie last year [1] at Screamfest L.A., I must have been in an extremely generous mood). But according to the featurette on the DVD, this crew has been making films together for years and years. How could they let something so slapdash go out? The spooky visuals, fogged-out as they are, are not actually bad… the exaggerated makeup is well-done, but is so feebly filmed and over-lit that it looks like a pedestrian Halloween costume. The CGI is mediocre at best, and the "flying" banshee effect is even hokier than something out of Bewitched, circa 1967!
CANNIBAL GIRLS
And speaking of hokey…
Wow. I didn't expect much from a hoary no-budget Canadian killer-comedy starring pre-SCTV actors Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin, and guess what? I didn't get much.
Directed by Ivan Reitman (who'd soon rally and follow this debacle up with three big hits in a row: Meatballs, Stripes, and Ghost Busters), this fallow fable follows a rather furry, fluffy young couple on a road trip to Cannibal land. While resting in a rustic inn, Cliff and Gloria nip into a local diner only to find that they *are* dinner.
Reminiscent of, but much-much-much worse than, Eating Raoul or Motel Hell, Cannibal Girls isn't funny, gory, campy or sexy. It's basically just inert. However, I will say that as a curio from the period, and for fans of the actors or/and director, Cannibal Girls may be worth a look — just be sure the remote control is handy and the fast-forward button is at your fingertips.
As is the case with Damned By Dawn, the DVD extras here are much more entertaining than the feature film. While the interviews are not exactly dynamically edited/produced, the interviewees are great. I especially enjoyed Eugene Levy's recollections of making the film (and not bothering to comb that wild hair of his between takes).
COFFIN ROCK
From the griddle to the grave… now it's time for the final disappointing entry in this week's roundup: Coffin Rock.
Judging from the title, I was envisioning undead rock stars in a reimagining of Phantom of the Opera… but alas, it's the name of the town where a barren wife seeks the seed of a virile young man (not her husband) and pays the price when her loopy lover starts a-stalking. Think: Knocked Up meets Fatal Attraction (with a dash of Bambi thrown in), then just wish this movie were that.
Unfortunately, Coffin Rock isn't much of anything. Evil stud Evan (Sam Parsonson) is so patently insane, it's a wonder Jessie (Lisa Chappell) would look twice at him, much less open her legs. But she's our heroine and I'm guessing the screenwriter had to make it so it's really not her fault; therefore, the impregnating encounter turns into an emotionless rape scene and things go downhill from there.
Parsonson's "crazy dude" overacting aside, Coffin Rock is just plain boring. When it comes to horror and suspense, tedium is the one thing I can't conceive… Consider this test negative.
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Reviewed by Staci Layne Wilson
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