DVD Roundup: Furnace, Killer Pad, Chaos

Furnace: Out on February 12, 2008

Furnace is a ghosts-behind-bars low-budget horror flick starring Tom Sizemore, Michael Pare, Ja Rule, Danny Trejo, Kelly Stables and Paul Wall. Obviously, the director, William Butler, has a lot of friends, because surely this tired script would not attract even the most in-debt actor on its own meager merits.

The such-as-it-is story follows a world-weary lawman, Det. Michael Turner (Pare), on his quest to get to the bottom of a mysterious string of suicides which have cropped up at the local penitentiary. These self-inflicted deaths just happen to have begun after an old wing of the pokey was reopened to accommodate the growing criminal population. And, on top of that, it also just happens to be the site of the long-ago murder of a young girl. Coincidence? Not on your life!

As the clichéd yarn goes through the usual genre machinations and the actors give just enough of a performance to register a pulse, you might be contemplating suicide yourself simply to break up the monotony.

Killer Pad: Out on February 5

It's The Gate meets Bachelor Party in Killer Pad, an 80s-feeling horror comedy directed by none other than Freddy Kruger himself (the venerable icon of dreamy death, Mr. Robert Englund).

I watched the DVD without knowing much about it, then I went and read some reviews online; I have to say, I was kind of surprised to see such vitriol aimed at this harmless bit of fluff. Granted: Killer Pad is no Citizen Kane, but it doesn't pretend to be anything other than mindless fun — and that it is.

The silly story follows three frat boys from Illinois who've come into some money after a snip-happy veterinarian gleefully but wrongfully gelded their bulldog, Ballsy. They decide to use their windfall to move to Hollywood. So the trio packs up their old convertible, stows the abbreviated mutt in the backseat, and takes off.

The first few minutes introduce us to our intrepid heroes: clueless Craig (Eric Jungmann), foodie Doug (Daniel Franzese), and horny Brody (Shane McRae) and serves to give us some insight to what drives them: that would be sex, food, and slacking in case you are wondering. Once in Tinseltown, they find the "perfect" house… but the rent will be the death of them.

If it sounds bad, it is. But in a charming, silly, and very familiar way. Killer Pad does resort to some scatological humor, which I don't appreciate in the least, but the dialogue is funny, the characters are hilariously dense, and the special effects makeup by the always-in-demand Robert Hall are excellent.

Chaos: Out on February 19

Obviously, actor Jason Statham is drawn to larcenous storylines: just look at his body of work. From Snatch, to The Italian Job, to the upcoming (and superbly entertaining) The Bank Job — and now on DVD, he's chasing greenbacks and spraying bullets in Chaos. The movie costars one of our favorite vampires (Blade's Wesley Snipes), and Ryan Phillippe (who was in I Know What You Did Last Summer).