Worst Direct-to-Disk (& a little bonus)

By Staci Layne Wilson

Here are the unluckiest 13 I had to endure in 2006. There are a few good movies that go direct to disk, but for the most part the stigma is well-deserved.

Even if I don't always like their movies, I genuinely admire any amateur auteur who takes it upon themselves to make a film independently — but these so-called directors really shouldn't quit their day jobs. (And yes, I do want fries with that.)

It's a tie:

#1 -- Live Feed

I'm fed up. Ordinarily, I'm OK with the outre, but Live Feed is just plain badly executed: It manages to be boring, sleazy and offensive all at once, rating an "F" from my health department.

#1 -- Zombie Nation

The only way you'll get me to watch another Ulli Lommel film is to make me choose between that or having a loaded pistol taped to my temple which is rigged to an active landmine under my foot as you douse me with itching powder.

#2 -- H6

This story of a killer cannibal boils down to nothing but an overly long, dragged-out misogynistic exploitation flick.

#3 -- Live Freaky, Die Freaky

A crude claymation horror musical that's irreverent in all the worst ways, making totally tasteless fun of the Manson Family's murder victims.

#4 -- Restraining Order

Do yourself a favor and restrain yourself from ever renting this one.

#5 -- Butterfly Effect 2

I wanted to pull its wings off.

#6 -- Legend of Lucy Keyes

This flick won't be a legend.

#7 -- Minotaur

It's about a half-bull, half-human all-killing machine. You'd need a cattle prod to get me to watch this one again.

#8 -- I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

This fisherman-horror wouldn't hook even the most desperate of slasher fans.

#9 -- It Waits

…I yawn. When one of the characters says, "Uh-oh. This sucks!" and you agree with him, you know you're in for a very bad time in front of the boob-tube.

#10 – Heartstopper

Heartstopper is far from a showstopper.

#11 -- Guardian of the Realm

The convoluted plot and by-the-numbers dialogue delivery make for a dreary demonhunter saga, indeed.

#12 -- A Perfect Fit

The word "perfect" should not be used anywhere near this DVD.

#13 -- Kill Devil

A Battle Royale wannabe to the nth degree, Kill Devil winds up running in circles — much like the human lab rats it depicts.

 = = =

Bonus Baddie:

Along with the funniest (not supposed to be funny) big-budget horror movies of 2006 The Wicker Man and Pulse, a little DTD indie entitled A Dead Calling had me rolling in the aisles of my living room. The story follows a female reporter who's investigating a cold case from the site where the murders occurred, an old house that houses a ghost and a live killer.

While it somehow attracted a cast of real actors, only a few of them can still look at their SAG cards with any semblance of pride. But not many… when one character says, "You should see a therapist!" I thought the line should have been, "You should see an acting coach!"

In one scene, Chief Murken (just try to hear that name — sounds like "merkin" — without giggling) is brutally stabbed. Simultaneously, the body is discovered ("There's blood everywhere!" a woman screams) as the killer dashes off (showing off a perfectly clean, totally bloodless butcher knife).

Another scene, one which takes places at the dinner table, is uproarious in that it's obvious the person sitting at the head of the table was not in the same room, let along the same state, as the other actors. Not only do the shots come nowhere near to matching as far as lighting and color, but the actors' eye-leads are totally off in left (or right) field. Furthermore, only the dad is eating dinner (everyone else's plate is empty, and one diner's plate has a napkin in it that appears and disappears at random as the scene progresses).

Odds and ends:

1. Everyone's makeup ends at the chin line, making them look like kabuki actors in the face, and The 2000 Year Old Man in the neck.

2. The cinematography is so slipshod, it looks like the spaceship landing in Close Encounters of the Third Kind whenever a door opens, or the same set is by turns pitch dark or stark light from moment to moment.

3. There are several shoehorned "reaction shots" with the goofiest expressions imaginable (lord only knows what the director told the actors they were supposed to be looking at — maybe this list!).