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  #11  
Old 11-06-2008, 05:15 AM
Nella Nella is offline
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Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 View Post
You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!
That's a great way to think and live. I commend you. :)
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  #12  
Old 11-06-2008, 05:22 AM
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monalisa monalisa is offline
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I'm terrible about holding grudges, especially against my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. I'm working on that. I've given them so many chances because they are my family. It's when something new happens that I remember ALL the things each of them have said and done to me. That's the way my family is. It's dysfunctional. Everyone blames me for this or that even though it's not always or even often my fault. I take too much blame that I shouldn't have to. The guilt I feel makes me sick, literally, and sometimes I feel enraged. My SIL suggested that we all go to therapy as a family but my parents won't do it. She's also the newest member of our family.

The day my dad buried my puppy, my mom provoked a fight which made me feel even more pain. The next day, she came to my house and started sweeping my kitchen floor even though I kept asking her not to. She made comments about it that hurt me.

I still call them because I love them and wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us with hard feelings. I have eight good friends. Over half of them have said that they are f***ed up. I've had professionals, i.e. doctors who've told me the same thing. I'm supposed to avoid toxic people. I have no choice with my parents because they do so much for me and my son. There's a lot of jealousy of me and my son running in the family because my parents do help us. My dad's putting my son through college because my ex abandoned him and I can't afford to do it. So you see, I'm trapped in a lot of ways. My family has ruined my life, or the fact that I'm sensitive about the way they feel about me has done the damage. The result is the same. I have no one else in my life but them. Friends can only do and say what they can.

As for other people, I never forget a person who's said things to me that I wouldn't say to them. I do try to get along with them and forgive them.

Grudges can cripple me. It's happened over the last year and a half, especially. My physical and emotional health have declined due to family cruelty and neglect. The sticks and stones thing isn't really true. Words hurt far worse than being beaten, in my opinion.

With that said, I'm still working on going on with my life. I have a strong will or I might be dead by now. That's no exaggeration. Having faith in a higher power helps a lot.
Wow, that is a lot to deal with! If it's possible, try to remember what they are like and when they say something hurtful, consider the source. Easier said than done, but it may help. Try to just roll your eyes, think "oh that's just 'insert approriate family member here' being themselves, they suck but I love them anyway", and let it go. There's a lot that my parents, especially my dad, said and did that hurt and later in life just plain annoyed me. But I bit it all down and tried to help as much as I could when they got old, and now that they are both gone, I'm glad I did. I know it's really hard when you are a sensitive person, I am one too, but sometimes you just have to put on that Teflon coating if it's a situation that you can't, or choose not to, avoid.

Hope that helps in some way! :)

BTW, I'm terribly un-hip, what's a SIL?
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  #13  
Old 11-06-2008, 05:24 AM
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monalisa monalisa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkfloyd45769 View Post
You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!
Well said Pinky!
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2008, 05:28 AM
Nella Nella is offline
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Originally Posted by monalisa View Post
Wow, that is a lot to deal with! If it's possible, try to remember what they are like and when they say something hurtful, consider the source. Easier said than done, but it may help. Try to just roll your eyes, think "oh that's just 'insert approriate family member here' being themselves, they suck but I love them anyway", and let it go. There's a lot that my parents, especially my dad, said and did that hurt and later in life just plain annoyed me. But I bit it all down and tried to help as much as I could when they got old, and now that they are both gone, I'm glad I did. I know it's really hard when you are a sensitive person, I am one too, but sometimes you just have to put on that Teflon coating if it's a situation that you can't, or choose not to, avoid.

Hope that helps in some way! :)

BTW, I'm terribly un-hip, what's a SIL?
Thanks, Monalisa. You're a great person. SIL=sister-in-law.
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  #15  
Old 11-06-2008, 06:34 AM
Phalanx Phalanx is offline
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Quote:
I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.
I get that, but I think the two don't neccessarily have to go hand in hand.
Forgiveness depends on the act - a true person of good heart and character will not intentionally (IMO) do anything that would hurt others, therefore more than likely all you'd ever have to forgive them for were honest mistakes, miscommunication...etc...the kind of people that I wouldn't "forgive" are those that have committed acts that have made me doubt everything about their good character - the kind of person I try not to be like, and therefore don't need around me.
However, removing oneself from the damaging factor or no longer mixing with the people in question is, to me, just a logical step - it's not about holding a grudge, it's about not allowing events to give me reason to.
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  #16  
Old 11-06-2008, 07:02 AM
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Vodstok Vodstok is offline
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I am holding a grudge against my family because
a. It doesnt require any real effort on my part
b. It is a form of punishment for them. I am actively aggressive in the very rare instances that they enter my life. They have wanted me and my family back in their life because they do, no real reason given, and they dont want to own up to what they did, they are completely unrepentant and think thay have done nothing wrong and we should get over it.


So I hold on to that little bit of hate, because it keeps me strong against being hurt by them again. Plus, it feels soooo good to say "Fuck 'em".
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  #17  
Old 11-06-2008, 07:06 AM
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bloodrayne bloodrayne is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vodstok View Post
I am holding a grudge against my family because
a. It doesnt require any real effort on my part
b. It is a form of punishment for them. I am actively aggressive in the very rare instances that they enter my life. They have wanted me and my family back in their life because they do, no real reason given, and they dont want to own up to what they did, they are completely unrepentant and think thay have done nothing wrong and we should get over it.


So I hold on to that little bit of hate, because it keeps me strong against being hurt by them again. Plus, it feels soooo good to say "Fuck 'em".
I'm with you 100%

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  #18  
Old 11-06-2008, 07:12 AM
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novakru novakru is offline
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You kids really missed out growing up in the 80's and early 90's.
We did massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, so now, we don't have those pesky memories to forget in the first place.

.....many, many brain cells....poof
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2008, 07:44 AM
Nella Nella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by novakru View Post
You kids really missed out growing up in the 80's and early 90's.
We did massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, so now, we don't have those pesky memories to forget in the first place.

.....many, many brain cells....poof
I was born in '68 but I didn't drink for the first time until I was 16 (1984) and I didn't smoke weed for the first time until I was 19 (1987). I drank a lot throughout my adult life but I've rarely smoked weed or done any other drug. I take a prescription drug that causes CRS but that's short term memory loss. I can't forget the past and mine is an ongoing problem that I can't eliminate. I posted why earlier in this thread. I do avoid my sisters-in-law. They piss me off just by flapping their jaws. It's a mutual thing, too. ;)
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2008, 09:52 AM
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Zero Zero is offline
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i have an easy solution - i move! i've lived in seven different cities since leaving school. sometimes its just itchy feet - but normally its some relational nonsense - so i just drift on and do (literally) forget them.
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