|
Hey Jake :)
First of all, i really like the premise of the story and I think it's well-structured.
I'll try not to say too much, as I can easily get really caught up in details, so overall, I find myself curious about how it might feel if you made the style a little less staccato and thereby make it more fluent. I think it can be a benefit when writing / reading horror that a lot of action / sensation can be pressed into a single sentence, which might then contrast a stark, gross and horrific fact of a short, staccato one. Does that make sense? (In a car with small screen, sorry if my writing suffers from it.)
I realize it's a stylistic choice, so if you absolutely don't like that kind of writing - disregard the observation :)
Also, one little detail, I think a sentence like "Jason was gone forever" is kind of superfluous - we are going to find out what happened to him and I think the gap between when he disappears into the darkness and when his mother finds him should be a thrill for the reader, who gets to wonder what happened and in turn "earn" the gory ending.
Those are just from the top of my head afree a quick reading, thanks for the car entertainment :)
|