Quote:
|
- You have to elaborate your script and how the superstar fits in it.
|
NED SUCKS!
Ned Tepes is the night security guard at a suburban Red Cross and also happens to be an ancient vampire, the youngest brother of Vlad the Impaler aka Count Dracula. He’s not your typical vampire though. He wants nothing more than to live a normal life, free of conflict. He’s the reserved, nerdy type who gets walked all over by his intimidating, overbearing boss, Lee Stat on a daily basis. Ned’s life consists of working all night, then heading home to eat raw meat and hang out with his black cat, Fang, before trying to sleep all day; a task easier said than done thanks to his obnoxiously loud neighbor, Bucky. Ned’s got his eyes on a pretty female co-worker, Elle Vira, but has never mustered up the courage to ask her out, in fact, the only interaction the two of them ever have is saying hello and goodbye as he’s on his way out and she’s arriving each morning.
One night, on Ned’s watch, over 100 gallons of blood is stolen from the Red Cross. The Bizarre Crimes Unit (BCU) is called in. The overly gung ho lead investigator, Kevin Van Helsing, interviews everyone and quickly narrows it down to 1 prime suspect, Ned. Van Helsing begins surveillance on Ned and quickly realizes Ned’s true origins as a vampire, but drastically overestimates his intentions and demeanor.
Throughout the story, Van Helsing tries unsuccessfully to kill Ned several times but various circumstances including Bucky keeping Ned awake during the daytime and an attack by Fang, prevent that from happening. Each time Ned unwittingly foils the plot, Van Helsing’s determination grows stronger as he convinces himself that he’s up against a near omnipotent being.
Eventually, Van Helsing goes on the offensive while Ned’s at work; he shows up at the Red Cross, calls him out as a vampire and accuses him of stealing the blood. Ned admits to being a vampire but denies stealing the blood. Van Helsing doesn’t believe him until Ned produces a receipt from the grocery store for over 200 pounds of raw meat. Ned explains that he needs blood to sustain himself, but has never even tasted human blood. Van Helsing is baffled by this and wonders aloud why anyone else would steal so much blood. Ned makes the observation that the only other person with access to the blood vault is his boss, Mr. Stat.
Just then, Mr. Stat arrives for work and Van Helsing turns his attention towards him, grilling him about the burglary and accusing him of being a vampire as well. Enraged, Mr. Stat comes clean and admits to the crime claiming that he’s been sustaining himself on donated blood for well over 125 years in order to successfully keep a low profile and avoid detection from vampire slayers. He informs them both that it’s unfortunate he’ll have to kill them now.
Van Helsing springs in to action and a battle between the two takes place, with Ned standing idly by doing nothing. After a quick battle, Mr. Stat gets the upper hand and is preparing to deliver the fatal blow. Van Helsing pleads with Ned for help, but Ned is frozen in fear, terrified of his boss. At that moment, Elle Vira arrives for work and sees what’s going on. She screams, distracting Mr. Stat enough that Van Helsing is able to roll out of the way. Mr. Stat backhands Elle across the room and says he doesn’t want to kill his entire staff, but at this rate that’s what’s going to have to happen. Seeing the object of his affection sent sprawling awakens something in Ned. A rage builds in his eyes as his true vampiric personality takes shape. As Mr. Stat returns his attention to Van Helsing, Ned attacks, much to Mr. Stat’s double surprise. (He didn’t expect Ned to have the balls to attack him and he wasn’t aware that Ned was also a vampire.)
The two vampires go head to head, demolishing the office in a climactic yet comedic battle, bludgeoning each other with everything from the copy machine to light fixtures to telephones to spare syringes. Being the more brutal of the two and in tune with his vampiric nature, Mr. Stat eventually gains the upper hand and just as it looks like he’s about to kill Ned, Van Helsing plunges a wooden stake through his heart from behind and he falls dead. Ned shoves the body off of himself to find Van Helsing standing over him extending a hand to help him up. Ned accepts, Van Helsing pulls him to his feet and two shake hands.
Ned expresses disappointment to Van Helsing that he probably just ruined any chance he ever had with Elle because she’d never want to date a vampire, but Van Helsing tells him not to be so sure of that. He nods towards Elle who is just now regaining consciousness. Ned and Van Helsing go check on her to make sure she’s okay. She asks what happened. There’s a brief silence as neither is sure what answer to give, but then Van Helsing tells her that her boss was a vampire and Ned saved the day. Ned blushes and then asks if she’d like to go grab a cup of coffee since the office is probably going to be closed today. She says yes.
The End.
Cast-
Ned Tepes – Adam Sandler
Kevin Van Helsing – Peter Dante
Elle Vira – Drew Barrymore
Mr. Stat – Kevin Nealon
Bucky – Allen Covert
Of course, some minor supporting role would need to be created for Rob Schneider as well.
Quote:
|
- You have to be convincing, not only to the Judges, but to the superstars themselves. Remember you still need them to jump on-board your movie.
|
I think a story like this would definitely be the type of script Adam Sandler would be interested in. Like I mentioned before, it’d fill the solitary gap in his comedy genre resume. I also feel like the character of Ned is right in line with the types of character he plays so well; the quiet, charming everyman that isn’t living up to his true potential. But if the script and character aren’t enough to get him on board, there are other a couple other ways to lure him in as well. One is to fill the rest of the cast with people he likes working with and already has a great on-screen rapport with. Two is to allow him and Tim Herlihy to have plenty of say in the writing process. Three is to promise him plenty of marijuana on the set for the duration of filming.