[urgeok2]

Finally - i'm ready to tackle the greatest topic of all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking - since i can remember - and the older i get - the more i reflect on the human condition in general, and my personal condition in particular.

recently - largely because of my age - i've been experiencing death - death of friends/family, etc ... far more than any other point in my life and it's accelerated the thinking process. Recently i had about a 2 month period where i looked hard into the abyss (the reality of my mortality) and was close to losing my mind. Had some long scary panic-y moments that almost made me go mad. (this happened quietly at night or any time i was alone - and thinking ... i didnt go running down the halls at work naked and setting fires or anything like that) Came out of it as if a key had been turned and opened a door into a whole other part of my mind.

I feel a lot of truths becoming crystal clear (which i suppose - is something other crazy people feel when they think they've become enlightened) but it's really not all that dramatic for me ... and i'm not going to start preaching.

i wouldnt mind sharing what i've come back with though - (instead of going completely batshit - i decided to concentrate on the positives i could take away from the experience)


first and formost - the ever elusive "meaning of life"

there is no meaning. we're just here. smarter and more destructive than any other animal (that ccertainly seems like a contradiction in terms) but without any purpose.

i suppose that news - if one chose to believe it - would be devastating to many - but not to me.

just because there is no grand scheme - it doesn't mean we cant make the most of our 'stay'

My philosophy is this :

- enjoy your life - find joy - or at least a positive experience in every second of every day - if possible - BUT not at the expense of anyone elses enjoyment of their life.

- avoid negativity. (but not your responisibilities)

- take chances, but not stupid risks. (look before you leap)

i'm not saying i've been brilliant up to now with these things - but i certainly have them as my goal now.

i dont believe in anything supernatural .. no gods or ghosts.
i believe in society - teamwork - achieving harmony together

i believe that when you die - you die. end of story.
so enjoy your time here - why waste it ?
squeeze the most out of every second you can.

a lifetime of being happy and doing the best i can, and leaving behind good memories with other people is the comfort i'll be looking for at the end of my days .. not the belief that i'll be going 'somewhere else'

more than anything else - once i came out of this thing - i realized acutely how much i loved life. something i took for granted all this time....
I really do love being alive ... i want to have a million more great experiences before i'm gone.

THE core part of this is balance. the toughest thing in the world to do - find balance in your life. Part of that is luck, or bad choices realized too late - but another large part of balance is within your control - your mind to achieve. It might require a change in perspective, expectations ... for some people - medication. If you're unhappy - your goal should be to become happy again as soon as possible ... dont wallow in misery or it will swallow you up.
get help if you need it ..

there is no need to be unhappy .. no reason to worry about things beyond your control. fix what's broken and move on. if you cant, get help.

i was recently commenting about how fast life goes ...

i figured out why that was - at least for me :

i was always waiting for the future to arrive.

waiting for the lunch break
waiting for the work day to end
waiting for the weekend
waiting for the next pay check
waiting for the next long weekend
waiting for the next vacation ..

essentially rushing through life to get to some next goal or milestone ..

fuck me i was wasting weeks to get to a couple of days. wishing them away in autopilot.

the hell with that - that was the 1st thing i fixed. no more waiting .. i just want to live each day - look for pleasant experiences all day long.

by talking to people - sharing a laugh at work
achieving goals at work - (find ways to enjoy what i do all day)
play sports at night
reading
hang out with my family
watch a movie
play a game
joke around with folks at HDC
etc etc etc .. cram as much stuff into every day i can .........................

........................with balance.

i still need to sleep - rest the body to ensure the enjoyment of all the other activities. i still need to spend time cleaning the house- or the mess will impact my enjoyment of those other things.

some folks would say that living a hedonistic lifestyle would be the ultimate way to spend a life - but this is without balance as well.
you still need to pay the bills, respect others feelings, stay in decent physical shape to ensure some degree of quality of life.

so - who knows what i'll be thinking 10 years from now .. but my life has changed for the better recently because i was able to put these things into practice - and it wasnt that hard. the benefits are immediate.


sorry about the long ramble by the way - i wonder if anyone will read this mess (i probably wouldnt have myself)