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I could only get so far so in reading this because it doesn't have a flow but I am not knowledgable enough to tell you exactly how and what to do about it.
I think you have a great story idea though from the little I did read.
This is how I know I am going to like a book and it's probably not the best way.. but:
I read the first page of the first chapter and if it grabs my attention,I will continue.
I agree with Miss Olivia about the pacing,It felt very rushed.
I hope this helps and I hope my post isn't taken in the wrong vein.
Good Luck:)
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