[Yellow Jacket]

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire


The Lowdown:

It's year 4 in Hogwarts Academy, and Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe, the Harry Potter series) has been chosen to compete in the Triwizard (which shocks everybody since he's 13, and you need to be 17 to be in the tourney) by the goblet of fire! But, problems arise as his best friend Ron (Rupert Grint, the Harry Potter series) strays away from him and Hermoine (Emma Watson, the Harry Potter series) finally finds love, and it isn't Harry!

Review:

I never thought it could get any worse than the last piece of Harry Potter shit The Prisoner of Azkaban, but damn was I wrong! First off, I have the book, but didn't read much of it (since it wasn't good and am not a fan of the Harry Potter books (I got it as a present and I was trying to be generous)). So, I'm not the guy to give you those "book-to-movie" comparisons. Now, on with the damn review!
The Goblet of Fire wasn't Harry Potter at all! Not that many creatures or magic is seen (which is a load of shit), and is way more of a love story! No, I'm shitting you! Goblet turned out being a fantasy love story at Hogwarts. Harry loses best friend, tries to get revenge, his crush Hermoine (and don't give me any shit that he doesn't like her, because it's more obvious and visible than my dick in the mornming) falls in love with another man and he is now depressed. Let alone, he's in a god damned Triwizard Tournament (which we don't see much of, just hear about it a lot and see some off-court punking).
This fucking ruined the whole damn movie! Sure, Prisoner was a big pile of flaming dog shit (you know, the kind you leave on people's porch) and left a stench for miles. But, at least that stayed to the Harry Potter tradition: The magic and the creatures. Goblet destroyed that by slapping in some sappy shit that made me shit my pants worse than the time I had that "weird and unusual" dream about Joan Rivers *shudders*! I fucking hated it!
Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane, Ocean's Twelve) was ruined here! He too had a love interest *cbreaks out in laughter*. Sorry, I just don't see him in a relationship. I can already imagine the date: "Hey, you wanna go to my house and I can cook up some "special" potion for you?" God, I just don't see it happening (though I just did).
Anyway, like I said, Hagrid was ruined here. He gets a lovebird (which, like mentioned before, is laughable and disastrous). But, worse than that is his lack of screen time. What the hell? This guy is an icon in the Harry Potter franchise, and you just give him a few scenes and give him his pay and a big-ass bucket of "Popeye's" chicken. Damn! There was also a disturbing scene in which Harry is getting a bubble bath (wtf?) and that ghost chick that hides out in the bathroom (you know, the one that made your dick come out of your ass), but I'm not getting into that because I'm already having nightmares about it. And I haven't even gone to bed yet!
This movie just blowed! And when I say "blowed" I mean blowed. Like the Paris Hilton "blowed". And it blowed hard (once again, another Paris Hilton reference/insult)! Harry Potter magic and creatures are replaced with sappy love story and Hagrid gets a shit taken on him by the producers! Not worth the almost three hours length.

Verdict:
0 out of 5 stars