[ItsAlive75]

Here's one...

James Whitmore’s Continuous Attempts at Committing Suicide

Mr. Whitmore was unable to sleep at hotels anymore.
The numerous efforts to try and hang himself
from the wooden beam above his bed, not to mention
the damages from carving his name into it.
Mr. Whitmore would try and sneak off at three am
to a truck-stop motel, with lumpy beds
where teenage hookers fought for their lives
while drugged-up truckers strangled them.

Mr. Whitmore’s friends watched him at all times,
making sure he didn’t use pencils or butter knives
or letter openers or sporks. Mr. Whitmore got
a hold of a manual shaver and tried to carve
upside down crosses on his wrists before realizing
he was a devout Christian and he gave up,
carving a smiley face on his calf instead.
Mr. Whitmore was unable to use his friends’ bathrooms.

Mr. Whitmore snuck out one night to a suicide cult
that listened to “Human Behavior” by Bjork
and slapped teddy bears while drinking poisoned
punch. The cult leader who resembled a fat Joey Bishop
offered him a glass but it was made with Kool Aid
and Mr. Whitmore was a closet racist who connected
the drink with African Americans and left.
Mr. Whitmore was unable to attend cult meetings.

Mr. Whitmore locked himself in Morgan Freeman’s bathroom
And ran a hot bath while his friends banged on the door
Begging him to stop. Mr. Whitmore tried drowning
Himself but the Greek god Poseidon rose from the
Water and told Mr. Whitmore the error of his ways,
and he climbed in the bath to become one with the deity.
Mr. Whitmore was unable to make love to divinities.