Cabin Fever 2002 ★★
I can't say I was all that impressed by Cabin Fever. Douchy characters go on vacation and then get infected with, for lack of a better description, bad water.
The main thing then is that you, as a viewer, have an incentive to go: oh no, not him! Fuck no, not her! But you don't. Because you have no attachment to them whatsoever. Ryder Strong has the only somewhat likable character and then he blows his credit (along with his load) while his “crush” is being terminally ill in the next room. Real classy.
I am sure Eli Roth is a very good director and from hearing him talk, I am also (fairly) sure that he's a great crack to be around and that you will be hard pressed to find people whose love for the genre is as genuine as his.
You: Ok, ok, ok, but when is the but coming? Well, here it is.
The same way Elton John needed Bernie Taupin, Eli Roth could be so much better off by getting someone to write solid characters for him, allowing him to focus more on technical things like editing, cinematography, pace, build up,... In my opinion, that could make for a geat combination.
Half star added for the story about Eli spraying Ryder Strong with fake blood and the devilish, childlike glee with which he apparently did that. Now there's somebody I can relate to.
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein 1994 ★★★
At the Hollywood production company...
Producer Guy: So, you have a movie for me?
Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir, I do. I was thinking we could do an adaptation of Frankenstein.
Producer Guy: Amazing! So who would direct this thing?
Screenwriter Guy: Well, this is a classic horror story, so who better than Ken Branagh?
Producer Guy: A director who never has done horror?
Screenwriter Guy: That's what we're going for.
Producer Guy: Works for me. So tell me, will he turn it into a Shakespearean drama and cast himself as the lead?
Screenwriter Guy: He sure will, sir.
Producer Guy: Great. And do we get a backstory where they show how he gets to creating life?
Screenwriter Guy: Oh yeah, and we also get this subplot where his girlfriend/fiancé/wife is kind of, sort of his sister.
Producer Guy: Kind of, sort of his sister?
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's adopted, so it all works out.
Producer Guy: Won't that still give an incesty vibe?
Screenwriter Guy: Oh, whoops!
Producer Guy: Whoopsie!
Screenwriter Guy: We also get this subplot where he gets his inspiration from John Cleese.
Producer Guy: Yeah, we need to get a big cast with a lot of famous people in there.
Screenwriter Guy: We sure do, sir.
Producer Guy: Excellent. So what about the monster then?
Screenwriter Guy: The what now?
Producer Guy: The monster. Isn't he like an essential character?
Screenwriter Guy: Oooh! Oh no no no no no no no no... no.
Producer Guy: Oh.
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, he'll be more an afterthought here for a big part of the movie.
Producer Guy: Oh, really?
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah yeah yeah, and he'll look like a victim of superbad plastic surgery.
Producer Guy: Ah, superbad plastic surgery is tight.
Screenwriter Guy: Gross. So Frankenstein abandons the monster and the monster goes to Geneva to get revenge.
Producer Guy: Why Geneva?
Screenwriter Guy: Because.
Producer Guy: Works for me. Does he kill anyone in the process?
Screenwriter Guy: Well, he kills a child in a nod to the original movie.
Producer Guy: Won't this take away the sympathy from the original monster?
Screenwriter Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.
Producer Guy: Well, it's just that, originally, the monster was a sad creature who kills a child unknowningly. Won't having him do that on purpose turn him into a douche?
Screenwriter Guy: Alright, listen, sir. I'm going to need you to get all the way off my back about the sympathy thing.
Producer Guy: Well, okay, then. Let me get off of that thing!
Screenwriter Guy: So... what do you think?
Producer Guy: Well, it has a Shakespearean actor, a big cast, a main character as an afterthought and backstories and subplots we did not really ask for. So I think it will win all of the awards.
Screenwriter Guy: Great.
Producer Guy: But I do have one last question.
Screenwriter Guy: What's that?
Producer Guy: It says here that he kills Helena Bonham Carter and turns her into a Beetlejuice-like weird monster who leaves Frankenstein to be with the monster.
Screenwriter Guy: What about that?
Producer Guy: Well, she's dating Tim Burton now. Won't that combination lead to over twenty years of typecasting?
Screenwriter Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.
Producer Guy: Ok! I won't then.
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Thank you to Ryan George for the idea for this and all the funny reviews. Keep up the good work!
This Land 2023 ★★★½
I kind of enjoyed this one, though they go a bit heavy on the ominous music sometimes.
As a result of a timeshare mishap, a blue family and a red family have to share a condo, only to find out they are meant to be the victims of a cult sacrifice. The blue family's mom Ava also bears the trauma of losing a child, which leads to some on the nose imagery.
It's a bit of slow burn, with the tension between the families leading to inevitable comparisons with Get Out. At least, they made things a bit more nuanced with the blue kid taking a liking to the red dad and the moms being polite to each other at first. Not to say that there are no clichés in there. The red dad is a cop and the blue dad is a pot smoking teacher. But I give this credit for showing/trying to show that life always turns out more complicated than you want it to be. Oh yeah, and the blood gag with Dakota? Totally classic Shelly.
Everything comes to a confrontation during a game of some Monopoly-ish game. And then things escalate with some typical cult stuff, a good climax and a solid, decent ending. With one cult member channeling Henry from The Purge. That was kind of funny.
A solid, entertaining flick that deserves some (more) love. Check it out.
Ps: In the category “if you know, you know”: Corbin is the third man.