[Morningriser]

Thank you for that Cheeba, I really appreciate it. I feel like so many people can't even begin to understand what I'm going through because either they can't relate or don't realize there are people in this world that are so sensitive that it is nearly impossible to let go of certain things on their own and it has so many people looking at me like I'm feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am. That was always my grandfather's go to no matter what the situation whether if that's saying with applied or not because he never allowed himself, or wanted to think any further than that because that's the extent of what my problems meant to him.

I know people are stubborn and set in their ways and people like my Grandpa would rather take his pride to his grave knowing it is intact and he doesn't have to admit to what he really is, a reptile, like you said. It's funny, because that was the exact word I was thinking about him and these other people who have always operated under the radar because they knew I was unable to see what they were doing through years of careful manipulation and using the fact that they were family and I never thought someone like him could do something like that to me but just like with Angela, my ex, everything just punched me right in the head all at once. I was able to see everything he has done to me over the years when my grandmother was alive and after she died. Everything before she died was just smoke and mirrors. I don't know if him and the rest of the family were jealous because my grandmother and I had a special bond, or so I thought, that she didn't have with anyone else, including her own husband, or just the fact that they never could stand that my mother married a cokehead rapist and I was the result of that. They always needed their Whipping Boy and before my mother died it was her. Everyone knew she was an alcoholic and she was just like me, or I was just like her, had little to no tolerance for people that are being assholes to our faces and neither of us have much of a filter. So they, my family, would be at my grandmother's house every year on Christmas Eve with my aunt bragging about buying her underage step kids alcohol and getting them drunk only to have my grandparents laugh about but then would get so enraged at my mother for showing up drunk, never mind the fact that my father completely destroyed her before he died, but that doesn't matter when the public image of the family is at stake. Anytime I would get ready to defend her or myself or come back at something they say, my grandmother would shake her head no at me to silence me while letting the rest of the family say whatever they wanted. And the fact that my grandmother told me I was a disgrace to the family for laying on a damn bed of nails at a family arcade where a two-year-old could do it if they wanted to really hurt me. Maybe none of them where ever genuine, I don't know, but I also realize just because they are family it doesn't mean they have to be good people or that they are good people. I just find it quite sad that they couldn't do any of this one my grandmother or my mother was still alive because of how cowardly they really are. I mean half of my family wants me dead or to just disappear and the other half of the family hates me for not coming to my grandmother's funeral which was deliberately spearheaded by my grandfather who purposely avoided telling me about it hoping I wouldn't come and he got what he wanted so my mother, who was gone in the head at this point anyway from all the alcohol rotting her brain, along with her crazy ass redneck husband, threatened to kill me if they ever saw me again. It's like they deliberately set me up to sabotage me and my grandfather's excuse was he had enough on his mind and I know that part is true, but someone told my cousins who lived out of state and they were there and so was the rest of the family and when I pointed that out to him he quickly changed his excuse to maybe no one could get in touch with me even though my aunt called my phone the same day my grandmother died before she died to tell me that she said she forgave me for a fight we had. My grandpa knew my number too and despite calling me within an hour after my mother died to tell me and couldn't let me know in a 48-hour period, tells me everything I need to know. I mean you can polish a turd but it's still a turd.

I absolutely hate the fact that I can't let things go as easily as some do. I still have quite a bit of prejudice for one person here in particular for deliberately taking part in causing me to get cheated on simply because sadism and narcissism is the only way some people can cum. There are a lot of sick and miserable fucks in this world and I hate that about myself that things stick to me the way they do, I mean I know that's a totally different situation altogether and it would have probably happened regardless, but still, it's shit like that people have to deliberately keep fucking with my life for no reason at all when all I want is people to be genuine or at least leave me the fuck alone.

I know I'm highly sensitive, way more sensitive than the average person. I'm working on changing that and 37 years of damage is hard to undo and takes time but considering I have only been in Las Vegas 8 months, weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm able to think more clearly because I'm able to solely be independent and not have my grandfather hovering over me and criticizing me for everything I do that he doesn't approve of. The Psychedelic medicine is helping a lot as well and my next trip I'm going to take this with me and see if I can put it to rest once and for all. I know I am very unique with my emotions and that's why I know I have some kind of purpose despite my belief that we do not have predetermined Destiny's. I still feel there is something inside me trying to get out and whatever it is we'll do something that will make my mark whether it be on a long-term or just helping people understand or see things more clearly because so many people in this world are blinded by denial like I was and probably still am.

I need to shed this part of my ego that always needs to have approval or someone there who cares about me because I have this fucked-up delusion of what life is supposed to be because that's what people like my grandparents told me when I was younger only to apparently be deliberately feeding me lies. When I was younger I guess there was a part of me that wanted people to pity me and look at me and see all the things that happened to me and show me a Little Bit of Sympathy because between the abuse at home, physical or mental and then the abuse at school, physically, mentally and socially, I just wanted somebody to stop and say that they care and they will listen but I never had that until I got with Angela who used that to her advantage and completely fucked my head up. I almost feel like there is some kind of angry Drive in me trying to get out because I get so angry and so worked up over shit. Hell, the post above yours Cheeba was originally this long-drawn-out rant even going as far as ripping apart the person mentioned above but I didn't want to get in trouble and I didn't want to bring that kind of negative attention so I altered it to a much shorter and condensed version of what I was saying before with personal insults left out.

This whole thing has got me all fucked up right now. Luckily I'm not taking it the way I did when my ex cheated on me when I actually tried to kill myself and the fact that 50 Seroquel wouldn't do me in tells me that I do have more of a purpose and whatever force it is that lies Beyond, God, isn't finished with me so I have taken this second chance at life to start turning it around and as I said before, I have over three decades of damage to undo and it will probably take decades to undo it, let's hope not though, but I just need to figure out how to let things go so they don't eat at me and tear me apart like they have been doing my entire life.