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ATTN: Whiny Internet Kids…

You know all that pop music they play on MTV that you accuse of being cookie cutter and generic and lame? Well, why would so many people listen to it if it weren’t good? If groups like Broken Social Scene or whatever were so good, why don’t they get heavy radio or MTV rotation? Where’s Liars’ Grammy? The millions of people who listen to Jessica Simpson are in the right. You can tell because there’s so many of them. You guys who listen to bands that 8 other people listen to? You obviously have bad taste in music.

God is real and hates you for not being Jewish. You can cling to your hip and trendy “oh, God’s not real” outlook all you want, but don’t come crying your mascara-ridden tears to me when you get smote. I’ll be too busy getting smote, myself (I’m not Jewish either).

If you had any balls you’d sign up for the army and go fight in the middle east. “Oh, but the war is wrong and they’re killing innocent civilians, WHAAA!” Bull. Know how I know the war is right? Because it happened. If the war were wrong, we never would’ve done it. Same with those so-called innocents. If they were so innocent, why did they get shot to death?

Animals deserve to die because they taste so good. Our taste buds are more evolved and more important than every non-human (that includes Mexicans and women) life on this planet. In fact, they should just round up every animal on the planet and have like a little Animal Final Solution where we kill them all at once so we’ll have enough meat to eat forever. Fuck PETA.

Wicca isn’t cool. Chant all you want, you’re still going to be fat or un-cool or ugly or black. All you’re doing is giving those hippies at the magic store money for their drug habits. Do something useful with your time, like beating children.

Mumia is guilty.

You people who soak your keyboards with tears while you post your messages about how everybody hates you and thinks you’re stupid? They’re right. Same principle as the music theory. If so many people share this opinion, how could they be wrong? They’re not wrong. You’re wrong because it’s just you, and maybe one or two of your loser hippy friends.

Guys, don’t have sex with other guys. Ignore the fact that it’s evil. Don’t do it because it’s gross.

If 14 year old girls are going to dress like whores and have sweet racks, I should be able to have sex with them. If they don’t want my penis in them then they can dress like freakin’ 14 year old girls and have small boobs.

I applaud Wal-Mart for putting small, family owned shops out of business. If the smaller stores were any good, they would have stuck around. Except I still wouldn’t be shopping at them because non-chain stores smell like vitamin pills and feet. I want the places I shop at to smell cold and efficient, like a robot. God, robots are so fucking cool.

Outlaw special education. I don’t care if there are kids who need special attention or not. The kids that beat the shit out of them will give all the special attention they need. And if they grow into crazed high school students who bring guns one day and shoot up the school? Blame the deaths on the education system. If those dead kids were REALLY smart, they would’ve ducked.

Legalize abortion, but only because I hate children, and an early coat hanger can do way more damage than my car ever could, since the court made me take those spikes off the grill. Also, make abortion mandatory for anybody under a certain income level. That’ll take care of the poor people problems.

Asian people. I don’t think I need to say anything more.

If you’ve read this all the way through and you’re not offended at something, please respond with your particular subculture/ethnic group/whatever the hell’s wrong with you and I’ll incorporate you into a second rant (or just make an addendum if I’ve covered enough people in this one)