Joke Thread
 

Okay, bring out the best, worst and grossest you got....


This guy walks in a bar, and sits down to have a beer. There's this big guy down at the other end of the bar, and soon he comes over and sits next to him and says"hey man, you're in pretty good shape. Do you play sports?" The first guy is like "yeah, actually I used to play football" Well, they carry on with talking and drinking for a while and then the big guy says"hey, come out on the roof with me. I got something really cool to show you" so they go up to the roof, where there's about a twenty foot gap between the bars roof and the next roof. The big guy says"watch this, I'm gonna jump into this gap here and the wind is gonna funnel me right back out of it. Well, the first guy was kind of freaked out but sure enough, the big guy jumped into the space and then floated back onto the roof pretty as you please. The first guy couldn't believe his eyes, so the big guy did it again. Then he told the first guy to try it. Well, the first guy worked up his courage, finished his beer and leaped into the gap, only to fall three stories and land on a pile of dead men. The bartender comes up onto the roof, looks into the gap and says
"boy, you sure are an asshole when you drink, superman"

I have some skit's that Vampiriclown and i could do.









Do you know what the sad part is?I'm not even trying to be funny.

So... so you two are gonna make out?

Yeah, that could be kinda funny I guess. Go get 'im, kiddo!

No.

LMFAO :D

I got one...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him
and says...

Hey, why the long face?

yuk, yuk, yuk.

Tommy Cooper jokes


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

LOL..those are sick..but funny :D

LOL awesome....here's some more

What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef stroganoff

What does the chinese pirate say?
ELLL!!!!

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too, if your name was RRUGHHNFHDDLLL

An American goes on a safari tour to Africa. Suddenly, cannibalistic headhunters attack the tour group and everyone escape, but the American is grabbed. He's taken to their village and put in front of their leader. The American, trembling for his life, pleads with the leader to let him go and not eat him. The leader looks at him up and down, and agrees to let him go, but not before he fulfills 3 conditions.

"What conditions?" asks the American, trying to control his glee and hopes.

The leader points at 3 huts and says "The first hut is full of bottles containing whiskey. Drink all of em, dont leave even a drop in, and come out still walking. The second hut has a huge hungry lion which hasnt eaten for months. You must fight it and defeat it, and come back out again. The 3rd hut contains a nymphomaniac. Satisfy her and come out. If you are still standing by then, you may go. I give you my word."

The American jumps and runs to the first hut in joy, happy that he will be let go with his life. About a couple hours later, he walks out, all swaggery and wobbly knees, eyes barely open. The leader points towards the second hut and the American moves into it.

A deafening roar echoes in all directions instantly. This is followed by a yelp of extreme surprise and the walls of the hut begin to vibrate and the ground starts shaking. After a while of all this happening, the roof of the hut is blown away, and the lion jumps out of the hut and disappears into the forest in a flash.

Minutes later, the American crawls out on all fours, scratched and bitten from head to toe with tattered clothes hanging from his arms and legs. He stands up with a superhuman effort and yells at the leader...

"Now where's the damn woman I gotta fight and out-wrestle?!"