Because I am impatient
 

I know everyone else posts in the horror fiction section then waits aptiently for feedback, but everyone knows i never wait more than an hour or so before i start getting antsy and post it up here, so I'm posting it up here:
From the Well

I have been reading a LOT of Lovecraft lately. Plus, I want to hear what peopel think about the end: specifically, what happened. I know what happened, its not completely open (to me, anyway), but I want to know what everyone else makes of it.

*cough*
*cough*

Ahem....

(taps foot impatiently)

Read it folks, or the porcupines will bring the pain.



THE PAIN.

Excellent, of course, Vod. I ALWAYS enjoy your stories.

I think it's an interesting story, though I don't like the idea of the recorder. I can't imagine the captor allowing him to record all this especially when the monster makes his appearance.

Also, why are they going to all the trouble of the pig if they are just going to feed it the captive? And why feed it at all? For fun or is it some creature that pray to?

Thank you :)

:) the joy of first person. what do you think?


The captor didn't allow anything, he didn't know about the recorder.

I think just doing it for fun is kind of lame. Personally, I think having some sort of tentacle monster cult is much more interesting :)

You could have someone find the recorder in part 2 and reveal more about the secretive tentatcle monster cult. :D

The last word of the story makes it a little unlikely that anyone would be finding the recorder any time soon ;)

Hey, you never know. You're the author, you can do whatever you want. I still think Part 2: Secret of the Tentacle Monster Cult would be cool. :p

I thought it was good. I always like the style of first person narratives. I think you should extend it though and make a longer story.

oh wow Vod:cool:

I can totally picture this as a B&W graphic novel.

:D thank you


I am usually pretty light on the visuals, but i was going for a more "Lovecraftian" feel for this one.

This might be of interest:
http://www.samsdotpublishing.com/tentacles.htm

The imminent death cheapens your ending and the recorder is kind of hackneyed at this point. The atmosphere and usage are skillfully vintage and ring true. I think you may actually have a better story with a survivor than with a casualty. I'm not saying turn the narrator into some howling Friday the 13th style wildman proclaiming dark prophecies, but your ending would feel harsher if he walked away from it.

hmmm... I don't like "cheapened", so i will definitely rethink it... however, I know the recorder thing is hackneyed, it was an intentional throwback to Notebook found in a deserted house by Robert Bloch :)

I like the author being dead-IMHO

Very good - I'm a bit jealous.
I have two small questions though - I may be misreading but. . .
fowl = pig ?
If the recorder clicks off before the splash - how do we hear the splash?

Fowl: I knew i was going to miss one... :)


It was originally a chicken, but when i typed the line "panic stricken chicken", i felt it kind of hurt the mood :) Godamn find and replace.... Plus, a pig is just more effective than a chicken to me.
(I fixed it :))

As far as the splash, what do you think?:D

I dunno - I'm still howling with laughter over panic stricken chicken
give me a a minute :p

That didn't even register when I read it (fowl-pig thing)

Demonique-you are sharp :cool:

English Teacher

Awesome :)


some of the best feedback i ever recieved here was a few years back from a guy called Stingy Jack, he was also an English Teacher.

Cool. If you have the talent and determination to write and the courage to put it out there - I will try my best to give any help I can. Oh and I did get the answer to my second ? once I stopped laughing and thought about it.

:) yes, the chicken line works way better as an anecdote than a line in the story :p



So, what did you think?

Ok
I think it is a story with great bones.
(I have everything Lovecraft wrote and love the atmosphere)
Your premise is solid, your description is bang on. Perhaps you need to put a little flesh on the bones. Don't delete - just add is what I'm saying. A little backstory would round it out perfectly. Where did he meet her? Was he suspicious? Was there a local legend attached to these disapearances?
Maybe humanize the main character with a phobia? a memory? . . . something. These are only suggestions.
Those who can - do ... those who can't - teach. :rolleyes: jk

Without the teachers, the doers would walk around in circles of mediocrity :)


I can write, but I can barely teach. Luckily, I havent screwed up in that department too much with my daughter...

Well - if you decide to add to it - I'd love to see what you do to it.

I probably will :)

You definitely should. I think there are places that would pick that up, but magazines can be sticklers about word count so usually want about two thousand words. These guys might pick it up in a drafted short form: http://postcardtales.blogspot.com/ but your best bet would be to expand it. Did you like that antho I linked to before?

I kind of cringed when i realized it was about 1200 words, i prefer my stories to be a bit longer (although there are a few (baby jacob, look behind you) that i kept short on purpose)

The antho I showed has a low of 2,000. It's not altogether undoable from what you've got.

:D


I dont think fleshing it ou twill be abig deal, especially with the feedback i recieved. My story Justice got almost a full thrid added to it when my wife said that the villain needed more backstory because she didnt know WHY she should hate him. :)



Confidence is high. Repeat, Confidence, is high.

It should be.

:D

thank you. You people are good for my self esteem.

Okay, its been reposted, and is now at 2001 words... It proved to be harder than i thought, especially because that is almost twice the original word count...

http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35613

I like the additions you made. It's good that the recorder is less understated now. I didn't catch that it was a recorder on the first read. And I liked that you slowed the pace down between the pig being killed and the creature coming back. I thought that made it a bit more suspenseful.

Thank you :)

I have to admit, i was expecting "Wow, you really tried to cram another 756 words into that didnt you? Did you use KY and a shoe-horn?"; but I like what you said better :D


And since they started this (the rewrite idea, anyway), I'm not letting this die until Doc F and Demonique weigh in on the changes.

it was pretty decent. I liked the ending and the thought of some small village that housed this creature in there wells, making sacrifices to this creature. And thinking that there was a horde of them made it just that much better. 3/5

I'll give it a good read in the AM - too tired tonight - brain toasted :)

I completely understand :)

I feel cool, my wife liked it, and she can be a harsh critic :)

Wow - I can see why your wife liked it - what was once a bares bones story has now grown beautiful bloody flesh dripping with descriptive narrative.
Here is my opinion for what it is worth...
I read it through several times to give it the attention it deserves. Your description has added volumes. I had a prof that always stressed that "word choice and word order" was the secret to a well crafted work of art. This works in fiction as well as poetry. Some of your word choices and order that stand out for me are: "brandished the bloody weapon", "liaison's bestial husband", "terror rooting me as surely as a tree", and "sickening miasma of death". Miasma is a word so rarely used and very Lovecraftian. I think you dropped the word fruition from your third draft. I liked that one too. Anyway, this description adds such veracity to the suspension of disbelief.
The back story of remembered references builds a more stable foundation to the ensuing narrative. I liked it. As soon as you mentioned dissappearances, Roanoke was the first thing to come to my mind. It was a great tie into a historical mystery and, again, gave more creedence to the narratve as a whole. The Lovecraftian inspiration comes through clearly. I was reminded of "The Unnameable" (I think it was titled) and the Shoggoths from "At the Mountains of Madness".
All I can say is - wow - I really, really liked it. (Can you write some more?)
Oh - and listen to Doc Faustus - you might want to look into submitting it.:D