Joke Thread
 

Okay, bring out the best, worst and grossest you got....


This guy walks in a bar, and sits down to have a beer. There's this big guy down at the other end of the bar, and soon he comes over and sits next to him and says"hey man, you're in pretty good shape. Do you play sports?" The first guy is like "yeah, actually I used to play football" Well, they carry on with talking and drinking for a while and then the big guy says"hey, come out on the roof with me. I got something really cool to show you" so they go up to the roof, where there's about a twenty foot gap between the bars roof and the next roof. The big guy says"watch this, I'm gonna jump into this gap here and the wind is gonna funnel me right back out of it. Well, the first guy was kind of freaked out but sure enough, the big guy jumped into the space and then floated back onto the roof pretty as you please. The first guy couldn't believe his eyes, so the big guy did it again. Then he told the first guy to try it. Well, the first guy worked up his courage, finished his beer and leaped into the gap, only to fall three stories and land on a pile of dead men. The bartender comes up onto the roof, looks into the gap and says
"boy, you sure are an asshole when you drink, superman"

I have some skit's that Vampiriclown and i could do.









Do you know what the sad part is?I'm not even trying to be funny.

So... so you two are gonna make out?

Yeah, that could be kinda funny I guess. Go get 'im, kiddo!

No.

LMFAO :D

I got one...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him
and says...

Hey, why the long face?

yuk, yuk, yuk.

Tommy Cooper jokes


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

LOL..those are sick..but funny :D

LOL awesome....here's some more

What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef stroganoff

What does the chinese pirate say?
ELLL!!!!

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too, if your name was RRUGHHNFHDDLLL

An American goes on a safari tour to Africa. Suddenly, cannibalistic headhunters attack the tour group and everyone escape, but the American is grabbed. He's taken to their village and put in front of their leader. The American, trembling for his life, pleads with the leader to let him go and not eat him. The leader looks at him up and down, and agrees to let him go, but not before he fulfills 3 conditions.

"What conditions?" asks the American, trying to control his glee and hopes.

The leader points at 3 huts and says "The first hut is full of bottles containing whiskey. Drink all of em, dont leave even a drop in, and come out still walking. The second hut has a huge hungry lion which hasnt eaten for months. You must fight it and defeat it, and come back out again. The 3rd hut contains a nymphomaniac. Satisfy her and come out. If you are still standing by then, you may go. I give you my word."

The American jumps and runs to the first hut in joy, happy that he will be let go with his life. About a couple hours later, he walks out, all swaggery and wobbly knees, eyes barely open. The leader points towards the second hut and the American moves into it.

A deafening roar echoes in all directions instantly. This is followed by a yelp of extreme surprise and the walls of the hut begin to vibrate and the ground starts shaking. After a while of all this happening, the roof of the hut is blown away, and the lion jumps out of the hut and disappears into the forest in a flash.

Minutes later, the American crawls out on all fours, scratched and bitten from head to toe with tattered clothes hanging from his arms and legs. He stands up with a superhuman effort and yells at the leader...

"Now where's the damn woman I gotta fight and out-wrestle?!"

I know, I know, these aren't jokes but they are still funny!


Actual court quotes


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!



http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

A man is sleeping one night when he's awakened by a phone call. A doctor from the hospital is on the other end, and tells the man that his wife has been in a terrible accident, and he has to come to the hospital immediately.

When the man arrives at the hospital, a doctor greets him with a very grave expression. "How is she!?" says the man, in a panic.

"I'm afraid the news isn't good, sir," replies the doctor. "Your wife was seriously injured, and she's lost the use of her body from the neck down. From now on, you'll have to do everything for her. Feed her, bathe her, help her go to the bathroom, everything."

"Oh my god," says the man. "This is terrible. Nothing could be worse than this."

The doctor stares at him for a minute, then suddenly bursts out laughing. "What's so funny?" the man says angrily.

The doctor says, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."

LMFAO


What does it take to make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off.

What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.

How do you know an elephant's on it's period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand, and your mattress is missing.

How can you tell if your girlfriends too fat?
If she sits on your face, and you can't hear the stereo.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.

LOL that seems pretty accurate:)

Plan X

A husband and wife are having sex upstairs with the window open when a bumblebee flies in the window and into the wife’s vagina. The man and the woman freak out and decide to go to the emergency room. When they finally get to see a doctor, he says that his plan is to put honey on the tip of his penis, to start having sex with the woman, and then to attract the bee and pull out his penis along with the bee. After a minute the husband and wife agree to the plan. The doctor starts having sex with the wife. At first the mood is still calm, but after a couple of minutes the doctor starts groping the wife’s breasts. She starts moaning and screaming along with the doctor. The husband yells, "Wait a minute! What the hell do you think you are doing doctor?" and the doctor replies, "change of plan buddy, I’m gonna drown this son of a bitch"


Confessional

A priest is receiving confession, and a rabbi joins him. A woman comes up to the priest and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The priest asks "how many times?". The woman says three. The priest says "OK I’ll tell you what. You donate $20 and say 12 Hail May and you are forgiven".
After this the priest has to go somewhere and he tells the rabbi "You stay and
confess the rest of these people, after all it is the same God. Just be sure and get the money". So the rabbi is sitting there and another woman comes up and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The rabbi asks "how many times?", and the woman says once. Now he is stumped and he asks her again "are you sure it was’nt three times". The woman is offended and says in an indignant tone "No father, it was just once". So the rabbi says "OK I will tell you what. You donate $20 and say 12 Hail May and the church will owe you two fucks".


Oh Jesus

One day little Susie went out to play when she found her cat Mr. Piddles laying in the garden with his legs straight up. Well she got scared and went to get her daddy. When the father saw he said "Sweety im sorry but Mr. Piddles is dead. "She said "well why is his legs up in the air?" Daddy told her because it will be easier for Jesus to sweep down and grab his leg and take him to heaven. Well a few days passed and the father came home from work, Susie came running up to him and said "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Daddy asked "What do you mean? " She said "Well mommy was laying on the floor with her legs in the air saying "Oh Jesus Im coming, Im coming", And if it wasnt for the mailman holding her down,she surely would have gone!

I hope this doesn't offend anybody.


Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Casue anybody that can run,jump or swim is already over here.

:cool: Good one. lol.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.

What do you call the same guy in the ocean?
Skip.

What do you call the same guy at your door?
Matt.

What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?
Art.

What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.

What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?
A zipper.

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater.

When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is angry at you?
She leaves the string in.

Got this one from my sister in the email...dunno how circulated it's been on the 'net, but I thought that it was kinda funny...

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an Accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The
argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better
of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the
suit is standing at a urinal.


Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

I think Ive posted this one before...oh well, with the new Superman movie coming out I suppose it's a good time to post it again:p


Superman was bored one day, and he decided to out for a nice afternoon fly. As he soars above the city, he happens to see Wonder Woman sunbathing on her roof, naked as the day she was born. Superman, being the horny bastard that he is, thinks to himself "Hmm...you know, I am faster than a speeding bullet...I bet I could fly down there, bang her and be gone before she even noticed!". And that's exactly what he does. He flies down, in out and away, feeling proud of himself.

Meanwhile on the roof, Wonder Woman says "What was that?". The Invisible Man laying on top of her says "I have no idea, but my asshole hurts like hell!"

Yuk yuk yuk

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.”

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"







"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.

A young man was finally going to meet his girlfriend's parents. He was really nervous about the meeting, and by the time he got to the front door his stomach was pretty upset. As they were having dinner, he couldn't help releasing a tiny fart."Spot!" his girlfriend's mother said, talking to the dog that was at their feet. Relieved at having the dog blamed for his fart, the young man let a larger one go. "Spot!!" the mother said sharply. The young man thought" I have it made. One more, and I'll feel just fine." So he let loose a really big one. "SPOT!!!" the mother shrieked, "GET OVER HERE BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

Why did the rubber fly across the room?
It got pissed off.

A man was at the urinal in a public restroom when a big black man came in, whipped out a twelve-incher and said "whew, I just made it!" the first guy looks over and says "Can you make me one too?"

What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in five different flavors.

A woman was throwing a costume party where all the guests had to dress up as different emotions. The first guest arrived dressed in blue. "Ah, you must be the blues" she said. The guest nodded and went inside. The second guest arrived in green, and the woman said,"Oh, you must be green with envy" and the guest nodded and stepped in the door. The next guest showed up completely naked except for a bowl of custard strapped around his waist with his pecker shoved through a hole in the middle. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asked.
The guest replied in a Brooklynese accent, "I'm fucking disgusted"

I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breasts fall off....oh, I see you've already heard it.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A spermicidal maniac.

A guy walks into a talent agent's office and says to the agent "I've got an act that I think you will like"
The agent says "Can you tell me about this act"
The guy says "I can sing through my arse"
The agent becomes suddenly very interested, thinking he can make some money out of this guy. "You can sing through your arse? Show me that!"
So the guy stands up, drops his pants and shits all over the agent's desk. "Why did you do that?"
The guy replies "Just clearing my throat"

A young man goes out on a date with a girl that he had recently met. They have a good night, one thing leads to another, and they end up back at the girl's place. They are getting ready for sex, and much to the girl's dismay, she notices that the guy have a tiny penis, 1 inch fully erect. She says to him, quite horrified "Who do you hope to satisfy with that thing?"
To which he replies "Me"

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.

What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over and says to the rabbit "Hey, does shit ever stick to your fur?" "No" says the rabbit. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log.

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
To go where no man has gone before.

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

A guy takes his date up to a far away secluded spot and they park and start to kiss. Things start to get passionate and the guy is making his big move when his date stops him.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asks, puzzled.

"I have to tell you something before we go any further. I'm really a prostitute and before we can have sex, I'm going to need $200 from you."

The guy thinks about this and agrees, gives her the money and they have sex. After they're finished the guy turns to his date and says "Honey, before we go, I have to tell you something. I'm really a taxi cab driver and your trip home is going to come out to be $200!"


Two car salesmen are sitting in a bar, complaining about their day.

"Man, the boss told me that if I don't sell more cars, I'm gonna lose my ass!" One of the salesmen says angrily. Suddenly his friend jabs him and motions for him to turn around and look behind him. The salesman turns and is surprised to see this beautiful, classy young woman sitting next to him. Suddenly he remembers his earlier comment and feels embarassed cursing in front of such a classy woman.

"I'm terribly sorry, miss...I didn't see you there!" the guy said.

"Aw, that's all right, mister..." the beautiful woman replied "I can totally understand. If I don't sell more ass, I'm going to lose my car! :D

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

LMAO those are great.....

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl whose just been run over by a car?
Patty

How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

How do you make sausage?
Put a sock at the other end.

A government official was visiting a hospital and as part of this visited the psychiatric ward. As he entered the ward, an old male patient, David, dressed in a swimming costume came up to him and said "Well I'm off to the Bahamas, wish me a good trip!" and walked out the door.

The government official was a bit stunned, but the head psychiatrist explained "Don't worry, that's just David. He believes he is an international playboy and every day sets off on a new holiday. He will just walk around the building a few times and return, telling us about his wonderful adventures. Harmless, really."

This explanation put the official at ease, and so the tour continued to the patients' rooms. When they came to David's room, they found another patient on his bed, masturbating furiously. They asked him what was going on, and his reply was "Oh, nothing serious. While David's on holidays, I'm fucking his wife"

i was caught drunk boating. the police officer made me get out and walk.

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.

Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?
From sleeping in snatches.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........



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.....(wait for it)......













.... (its a good one!).....


















"I'll be Bach."

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

LMAO I'm going to copy that in calligraphy on some nice vellum and give it out as a Christmas present to all the men I know.
That was great!

Little girl walks into the bathroom, catches her dad coming out of the shower "Daddy, whats that?"
"Thats my penis dear" Little girl looks down "Daddy, when am I gonna get a penis?"
"When your mom goes to work" replied the dad