JacobCain1971 |
02-05-2015 11:11 PM |
Hi Jake,
Managed the next part of your book last night. Just a few pointers (and i apologise in advance if you already know this, and it's simply the forum's way of displaying text) but you may need to look at how you're setting things out grammatically . . .
Example
One day after class was over she came into my bedroom where I was playing a new game that I ordered from the internet for my playstation. She didn’t like playing games and for some reason wasn’t a fan of me playing them, she said it rotted my mind and killed my creativity. I felt plenty creative. She said “Hey kid! Want to get some pizza and have a movie night?” I replied distracted “Yeah that sounds like fun, can it be horror movies tonight?” She got easily scared and would always sit really close when we watched them. “I guess, it is your turn to pick. Ill order the pizza and come get you when it get here.” she said looking a little nervous about the horror movies. I just nodded my head, completely absorbed in the fantasy world of the game.
Split your body text into more readable snippets. It flows better.
One day after class was over she came into my bedroom where I was playing a new game that I ordered from the internet for my playstation. She didn't like playing games and for some reason wasn't a fan of me playing them, she said it rotted my mind and killed my creativity. I felt plenty creative.
She said, “Hey kid! Want to get some pizza and have a movie night?”
“Yeah that sounds like fun, can it be horror movies tonight?” I replied somewhat distracted. She got easily scared and would always sit really close when we watched them.
“I guess, it is your turn to pick. I'll order the pizza and come get you when it get here,” she said, looking a little nervous about the horror movies.
I just nodded my head, completely absorbed in the fantasy world of the game.
Again, sorry if you already know all this.
Regarding the story, still really enjoying it! :-)
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