I so want a monkey for a pet.










:D That would kick ass!!!!

Well I'm not sure why I haven't done this earlier, but I finally read through this whole thread. Rayne, you are my hero! Newb, you are hilairious (I probably spelled that wrong). I have to dig through my files and see what I have. I know a lot of jokes, but I hate typing. Thanks everyone for the laughs, I needed it.

Hmm sexist jokes huh?

WOMEN DRIVERS

NO SURVIVORS

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY WOMEN DRIVE THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!:D





Smile... cause it's cliche.

Sexist jokes are all about cliches, but they're so funny because we all know we're gulity of at least some of the cliche things in the jokes. :)

HAHAHAHAHAHA
Newb..those are classic..!!

How many men does it take to get things right??

Just 'one' A WOMAN :D

Woohoo! I'm gonna get wasted on Negro Modelo & Patron! (Like I needed an excuse)

http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/...resized200.gif

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one of them is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Tony just said "Oh, okay", and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few mintues later he came back in visibly upset and said "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse it's called bunk beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





Shut up. You know it's funny.

Yeah, but for the wrong reason.

I started telling that story to my roommates and they figured it out halfway through... I was pissed.

boo....hiss.....get off the stage.


:D

HaHa...At least it was funny for ME...Because I immediately got a mental image wherein I saw him "shake it all about":D







Anyway...Blame my mother...She sent it to me :p

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

heres a couple sent to me

never argue with children..

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for
a whale to swallow a human, because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" !
The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him".

.................................................. ......

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her
parents that Billy Brown had
kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but
three girls helped me catch
him."

Thinking maybe a few of these tonight.

http://www.nycbeer.org/middle-ages/ma02.gif

1000 men were asked to complete a survey of what they liked best
about oral sex:

3% liked the warmth.

4% enjoyed the sensation.

93% appreciated the silence.

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I all so have a bad back, but I all ways tri to plese.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
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http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d1..._/bigboobs.jpg



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

good gosh! :eek:

Like that did ya?


:D

toooo big, i'm glad that tree is there to hold her up!
ouch, looks uncomfortable!

MAMMA.....

Don't make me fuck up the "No Drama" thread with a feminist rant!!!!
















No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Newb'd kill me.:D

Anyway, like I've said before, I keep my radical feminism strapped to my boots, because I love the guys on the forum too much.;)

Tonight, I'm hanging with my favorite brew in the world.

http://web.dailycamera.com/bocogold2...os/FatTire.jpg

Hoochi mamma, that is.;) lol

I've never seen that one...whats it like?


@Haunted....thank you for keeping the integrity of this thread intact.:D

The song in "friday" popped into my mind as soon as i heard that.Craig's girl friend...

It's a fine amber. Kind of like Mac'N'Jacks, if you've ever had one. They're two of my favorite beers. Fat Tire is mostly west coast, I believe. I found a sixer in the grocery, though.

I'm east coast....never heard of Mac'N' Jacks either.

I do like the amber brews though.

That movie is so funny when you're stoned. When you're not stoned, only the dad is funny.

@Newb You got it! I've pretty much learned that it's all in fun and not to take everything, especially myself so seriously.:)

Thats been my motto for the last ten years.:D

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

Hahahaha.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.
"Well that's me fucked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

*A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

3 DAY WEEKEND.....OH YEAH!

To all my fellow weekend warriors.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...nmule/beer.gif

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f3...rro_bottle.jpg


36 bottles of beer on the wall, 36 bottles of beer.....


This will be the nectar of my choice for the weekend and a few days after no doubt. Yummy!