:D


I dont think fleshing it ou twill be abig deal, especially with the feedback i recieved. My story Justice got almost a full thrid added to it when my wife said that the villain needed more backstory because she didnt know WHY she should hate him. :)



Confidence is high. Repeat, Confidence, is high.

It should be.

:D

thank you. You people are good for my self esteem.

Okay, its been reposted, and is now at 2001 words... It proved to be harder than i thought, especially because that is almost twice the original word count...

http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35613

I like the additions you made. It's good that the recorder is less understated now. I didn't catch that it was a recorder on the first read. And I liked that you slowed the pace down between the pig being killed and the creature coming back. I thought that made it a bit more suspenseful.

Thank you :)

I have to admit, i was expecting "Wow, you really tried to cram another 756 words into that didnt you? Did you use KY and a shoe-horn?"; but I like what you said better :D


And since they started this (the rewrite idea, anyway), I'm not letting this die until Doc F and Demonique weigh in on the changes.

it was pretty decent. I liked the ending and the thought of some small village that housed this creature in there wells, making sacrifices to this creature. And thinking that there was a horde of them made it just that much better. 3/5

I'll give it a good read in the AM - too tired tonight - brain toasted :)

I completely understand :)

I feel cool, my wife liked it, and she can be a harsh critic :)

Wow - I can see why your wife liked it - what was once a bares bones story has now grown beautiful bloody flesh dripping with descriptive narrative.
Here is my opinion for what it is worth...
I read it through several times to give it the attention it deserves. Your description has added volumes. I had a prof that always stressed that "word choice and word order" was the secret to a well crafted work of art. This works in fiction as well as poetry. Some of your word choices and order that stand out for me are: "brandished the bloody weapon", "liaison's bestial husband", "terror rooting me as surely as a tree", and "sickening miasma of death". Miasma is a word so rarely used and very Lovecraftian. I think you dropped the word fruition from your third draft. I liked that one too. Anyway, this description adds such veracity to the suspension of disbelief.
The back story of remembered references builds a more stable foundation to the ensuing narrative. I liked it. As soon as you mentioned dissappearances, Roanoke was the first thing to come to my mind. It was a great tie into a historical mystery and, again, gave more creedence to the narratve as a whole. The Lovecraftian inspiration comes through clearly. I was reminded of "The Unnameable" (I think it was titled) and the Shoggoths from "At the Mountains of Madness".
All I can say is - wow - I really, really liked it. (Can you write some more?)
Oh - and listen to Doc Faustus - you might want to look into submitting it.:D