A guy takes his date up to a far away secluded spot and they park and start to kiss. Things start to get passionate and the guy is making his big move when his date stops him.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asks, puzzled.

"I have to tell you something before we go any further. I'm really a prostitute and before we can have sex, I'm going to need $200 from you."

The guy thinks about this and agrees, gives her the money and they have sex. After they're finished the guy turns to his date and says "Honey, before we go, I have to tell you something. I'm really a taxi cab driver and your trip home is going to come out to be $200!"


Two car salesmen are sitting in a bar, complaining about their day.

"Man, the boss told me that if I don't sell more cars, I'm gonna lose my ass!" One of the salesmen says angrily. Suddenly his friend jabs him and motions for him to turn around and look behind him. The salesman turns and is surprised to see this beautiful, classy young woman sitting next to him. Suddenly he remembers his earlier comment and feels embarassed cursing in front of such a classy woman.

"I'm terribly sorry, miss...I didn't see you there!" the guy said.

"Aw, that's all right, mister..." the beautiful woman replied "I can totally understand. If I don't sell more ass, I'm going to lose my car! :D

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

LMAO those are great.....

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl whose just been run over by a car?
Patty

How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

How do you make sausage?
Put a sock at the other end.

A government official was visiting a hospital and as part of this visited the psychiatric ward. As he entered the ward, an old male patient, David, dressed in a swimming costume came up to him and said "Well I'm off to the Bahamas, wish me a good trip!" and walked out the door.

The government official was a bit stunned, but the head psychiatrist explained "Don't worry, that's just David. He believes he is an international playboy and every day sets off on a new holiday. He will just walk around the building a few times and return, telling us about his wonderful adventures. Harmless, really."

This explanation put the official at ease, and so the tour continued to the patients' rooms. When they came to David's room, they found another patient on his bed, masturbating furiously. They asked him what was going on, and his reply was "Oh, nothing serious. While David's on holidays, I'm fucking his wife"

i was caught drunk boating. the police officer made me get out and walk.

What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.

Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?
From sleeping in snatches.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........



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..... (keep scrolling).....

















.....(wait for it)......













.... (its a good one!).....


















"I'll be Bach."

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

LMAO I'm going to copy that in calligraphy on some nice vellum and give it out as a Christmas present to all the men I know.
That was great!

Little girl walks into the bathroom, catches her dad coming out of the shower "Daddy, whats that?"
"Thats my penis dear" Little girl looks down "Daddy, when am I gonna get a penis?"
"When your mom goes to work" replied the dad