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what happened when the snail saw his friend get trod on?
He got shell shocked. |
Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress -- are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me in black leather lingerie, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather lingerie, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather lingerie, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' |
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
- What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior, I thought this was the day you spent with your family. - It was, sighed the Sister, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ. - I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing? - Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today! - Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me all about it! - Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee! - Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' - No, that wasn't it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway! - Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother. - But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws! - So that's when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile. - Nope, that wasn't it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... - You missed the fucking putt, didn't you? |
My dad told me this one.
What do you do if you see your wife staggering outside in the backyard in the middle of the night? Shoot the bitch again. |
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That was...... long. |
An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school full of inflatable people and children. One day he gets angry and goes around with a needle popping everything. When he's finished and the mess is being cleared up, the headmaster calls him over.
Headmaster - "I'm very dissapointed in you. You left me down, you've let yourself down you've let the whole school down!" |
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I'm sorry. |
Best beer commercial ever.
*WARNING...If you are of a prudish or sensitive nature...DO NOT VIEW....Sexual content* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fKSlRJT5dw |
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