Got this one from my sister in the email...dunno how circulated it's been on the 'net, but I thought that it was kinda funny...

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an Accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The
argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better
of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the
suit is standing at a urinal.


Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

I think Ive posted this one before...oh well, with the new Superman movie coming out I suppose it's a good time to post it again:p


Superman was bored one day, and he decided to out for a nice afternoon fly. As he soars above the city, he happens to see Wonder Woman sunbathing on her roof, naked as the day she was born. Superman, being the horny bastard that he is, thinks to himself "Hmm...you know, I am faster than a speeding bullet...I bet I could fly down there, bang her and be gone before she even noticed!". And that's exactly what he does. He flies down, in out and away, feeling proud of himself.

Meanwhile on the roof, Wonder Woman says "What was that?". The Invisible Man laying on top of her says "I have no idea, but my asshole hurts like hell!"

Yuk yuk yuk

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.”

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"







"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.

A young man was finally going to meet his girlfriend's parents. He was really nervous about the meeting, and by the time he got to the front door his stomach was pretty upset. As they were having dinner, he couldn't help releasing a tiny fart."Spot!" his girlfriend's mother said, talking to the dog that was at their feet. Relieved at having the dog blamed for his fart, the young man let a larger one go. "Spot!!" the mother said sharply. The young man thought" I have it made. One more, and I'll feel just fine." So he let loose a really big one. "SPOT!!!" the mother shrieked, "GET OVER HERE BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

Why did the rubber fly across the room?
It got pissed off.

A man was at the urinal in a public restroom when a big black man came in, whipped out a twelve-incher and said "whew, I just made it!" the first guy looks over and says "Can you make me one too?"

What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in five different flavors.

A woman was throwing a costume party where all the guests had to dress up as different emotions. The first guest arrived dressed in blue. "Ah, you must be the blues" she said. The guest nodded and went inside. The second guest arrived in green, and the woman said,"Oh, you must be green with envy" and the guest nodded and stepped in the door. The next guest showed up completely naked except for a bowl of custard strapped around his waist with his pecker shoved through a hole in the middle. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asked.
The guest replied in a Brooklynese accent, "I'm fucking disgusted"

I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breasts fall off....oh, I see you've already heard it.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A spermicidal maniac.

A guy walks into a talent agent's office and says to the agent "I've got an act that I think you will like"
The agent says "Can you tell me about this act"
The guy says "I can sing through my arse"
The agent becomes suddenly very interested, thinking he can make some money out of this guy. "You can sing through your arse? Show me that!"
So the guy stands up, drops his pants and shits all over the agent's desk. "Why did you do that?"
The guy replies "Just clearing my throat"

A young man goes out on a date with a girl that he had recently met. They have a good night, one thing leads to another, and they end up back at the girl's place. They are getting ready for sex, and much to the girl's dismay, she notices that the guy have a tiny penis, 1 inch fully erect. She says to him, quite horrified "Who do you hope to satisfy with that thing?"
To which he replies "Me"

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.

What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over and says to the rabbit "Hey, does shit ever stick to your fur?" "No" says the rabbit. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log.

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
To go where no man has gone before.

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.