My Wife went to the doctors, 8months pregnant. She wanted to go on the pill, but the doctor just laughed and said "you dont need to .cos your 8months pregnant"

"Well mi husbands found another hole and i couldn't bear a lump on mi back"

True story.......;)

I wouldn't say "true story" about that one, seeing as that would mean you married without a doubt THE dumbest person on the face of the earth over the age of 10.

I went to the doctor and told him I feel like a pair of curtains...

Then he spread you open and had a peek at the scenery?

I walked in on an ex giving head to a midget one time.


I never thought she would stoop so low.

LOFL....Obviously its not a true story as theres a wink at the end of it.:D

are you suggesting we get rid of the weekly stake?





A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."
:D :D

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress.

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some

refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you
see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500." After taking a minute or two to assess the
financial and moral costs of this offer,John confirms
that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her
house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's
house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly
dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and
upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
"Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With
a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did
stop by for few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?
"In terror she assumed that somehow he had found
out and after mustering her best poker face,
replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did.
John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay
me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

:D :D

Ive got one.





A Serial Killer walks into a bar.







No one walks out.

Sounds more like a mass murderer than a serial killer....;)

Oh right.My bad.

Wal-Mart greeter..
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman
stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."
"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you f%$#@* blind, or just f%#$#@ stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."
"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

very good one and all.

ok - light humor -

"a wave and a particle walk into a bar . . . "

LMAO! Wow! that was great!


Two monkeys walk into a bar. They get alchohol poisoning and die. Horribly.

which is the opening of HDC IV: DRUNK MONKEYS OF THE LIVING DEAD

this series is getting like the jaws ones. First two good. Third very mediocre. Fourth...Well. It was 100 on IMDB's Bottom 100 films. Maybe we should stop at a trilogy.

NOOOOOO

more monkey sequels . . . i want more monkey sequels!!!!

come on. That idiot director of number three ruined your entire character.

Alright I know this one isn't light, but it is really cute.

The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5
-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now... because this is the last stop! And all of
you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your
asses on the train...because
we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind
of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO
HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language." Two
hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers
please remember your things, thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us
again soon." She heard her little darling
continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember,
there is no
smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

Yeah i like that one.:D

lol. Quite funny.

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

-

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their nuts!

Luciano Pavarotti had a custom made hearse its a .......................














































Nissan Dorma.:D

Dogs suck.......er.....lick.








Cats can die 8 times and still be alive.But,then theyll get bored and finally jump off that tall building.

my signature is a little joke. Read it.

A trainee Undertaker gets told its time for him to prepare his first body. So he's downstairs washing her down.
Anyway 5 mins later he comes up saying " She has a Prawn stuck between her legs " puzzled the boss went down to see what he was on about.

" Thats not a Prawn you idiot , its her clitoris "
" Oh " said the trainee " Well it tastes like Prawn "

:D

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette aid, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started Clapping.



A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.

The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next



A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, They called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want? To go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars, because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the Sun."

The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you Guys dumb? I'd go at night!"



The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.

The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way? Around the house?" the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done," she said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blondes are silly..

Yeah but I've never gotten any bad head from one.

The Blonde jokes are the best so far.:D

Some more:

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me …I have a killer jigsaw and can’t work out how to get it started ”.
Her boyfriend asks “What’s it supposed to look like when it’s finished”? The blond says “According to the picture on the box, it’s a ROOSTER” The boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.
A few minutes later he arrives at the blonds’ house where she shows him the pieces of the puzzle.
He studies the pieces of the puzzle and then the picture on the box and turns to the blond and says” First of all no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into something that will look anything like a Rooster. Secondly I advise you to relax, drink some coffee and *sighs* let’s put all the cornflakes back into the box”.

===

Two blonds are walking down the street when they find a mirror.
The first blond looks into the mirror, and says, “The face in the mirror looks very familiar, but I just can’t place a name to it.”
So the second blond looks into the mirror, then looks at her friend and says, “Duh, Silly it’s me!”

==

A blond, brunette and a redhead have a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel.
First, comes the brunette, closely followed by the redhead, but the blond’s nowhere to be seen.
After an hour the organisers’ decide to send out a lifeboat in order to find the blond. After finding her the blond says, “ I don’t want to be a telltale or anything, but I say the others used their arms.

==

A blond is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could charge you for indecent exposure?”
She asks, “Why officer?” “Because your breast is hanging out”, he replies.
She looks down and cries “Oh my god, I left the baby on the bus again!”

==

Three girls go down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation. They all get drunk and wake up the next morning in jail, only to find they are to be executed later that morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “ I just graduated from Yale University, studying theology, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent”.
The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately cross themselves, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “ I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent”.
The guards throw the switch again, nothing happens. Again they all cross themselves; beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Washington and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody, if you don’t plug this thing in.”

I love blonde jokes!