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best gags from this year's edinburgh festival
I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January.
I was surprised how Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. "If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. |
LOL
What do soybeans and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes. How do you identify a bull dyke? She kicks starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw? They have cotton balls. |
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in Aisle D." The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" "Lard ass." |
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? All I ask .. is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. They told me I was gullible and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity How can there be self-help "groups"? What's another word for thesaurus? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? |
The Plus Sign
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." |
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. That leaves 48 million to do the work. Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied, outside of this country, with finding Osama Bin-Laden. This leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, statistics show that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice. |
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LOL.. well some one has to do it !! |
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" |
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Elephant's Memory - Amazing Story!!!
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. > > As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. > > Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. > > Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. > > > > > > > Probably wasn't the same elephant. |
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! |
I heard thios on the radio presented as if it were a real story. #1 problem with it:
the guy's name is 1 letter off from "Mokele Mbembe", a creature in the deep african jungles believed ot be a living sauropod dinosaur. Think of it as Nessie of the Congo. Sorry. Quote:
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On a lighter note:
two college guys were speeding through Texas when they got pulle dover by a state trooper. The cop walked up to the driver's side and tapped on the glass with his nightstick. when the window rolled down, he thwapped the driver in the forehead with the stick. he then asked for his license and registration and ran a check. after giving him his stuff back, he walked to the other side of the car and thwapped the other guy in the fore head too. "What the hell was that for?" the second guy shouted. The cop smiled and said "I'm granting you your wish." "My wish?" "Yeah. you would be 2 miles down the road and would have said 'I wish he would have tried that shit with me...'" |
A joke I heard from a Minnesota Vikings fan...
How do you keep the Chicago Bears off your property? Put a goal post on it. |
A guy is a gynocologist, and most of his patients are fro a loval college.
one girl comes in, and he notices a giant "C" on her chest. he says "if you dont mind my asking, what is that from?" She looks down and says "oh that. My boyfriend goes to connecticut state and refuses to take off his school sweater when we have sex." he thinks it's odd, but it makes sense. The next day, another girl, this one with an "M". he asks her what the deal is. "My boyfriend goes to Michigan state and refuses to take off his school sweater when we have sex." later that day, same thing, another "M". this time he says "let me guess: you have aboyfriend who goes to michigan state and refuses to take off his sweater when you have sex." the girl says "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconson state." |
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Quite a long joke, read if you are very bored :P
A man walks into a bar, accompanied by a talking ostritch and cat. The barman looking slightly puzzled asks what he wants, he orders a beer, the ostritch asks for the same and the cat says yeah I'll have a beer too but I'm not fucking paying! The confused barman says to the man, err okay sir that will be £7.80. The man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a load of change, exactly 7 pounds and 80 pence. After their beers the barman asks if they want something else, the man says yes I'll have a whiskey and coke, the ostritch asks for the same, and the cat says yeah I spose I'll have the same then, but I'm not fucking paying! The barman asks for the £9.45 the man owes for the drinks, the man puts his hand in his pocket, pulls out a load of change and once again he's pulled out 9 pounds and 45 pence. This goes on a few more times, then the barman decides to ask the man about it. He says: "Look its already quite strange how you have a talking ostritch and cat, but how come you always pull out the exact amount of change you need for the drinks, whats going on?" The man explains how he met a genie, that gave him 2 wishes. He explained that his first wish, was for whenever he needed to pay for something, he would simply reach into his pocket and he would have the exact amount he needed. "Thats brilliant!" The barman said. "Thats even better than asking for a million pounds, because you'll never run out of money, you'll always have what you need! Wow thats excellent, what was your second wish?" The man went on to say "well I wasnt as clever there, I asked for a tall bird with long legs and a tight pussy" Thats an extremely old joke from england, goes on a bit but hope you liked the punch line :P |
A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle saying "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." |
Maybe I'm just in a silly mood but these dumb jokes are really funny.
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Two whales, a male and his girlfriend are swimming along in the sea.
Then the male spots a fishing boat, and realises its the same boat that recently killed his father. He is too upset to move, so he asks his girlfriend to go under the boat and use her spout to capsize the boat. She agrees, and goes and does exactly as she was asked. She blows the boat over much to the delight of her boyfriend. He then notices that the crew are safely floating in the water with life jackets. "Dont let them live, eat them all for me!", he shouts. She replies "Look I didnt mind doing the blow job but I'm not swallowing the sea-men." |
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says," A circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born.... Couldn't walk for a year!" |
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine? :p :D |
LMAO
There was an American businessman who went on a trip to Japan, and one night he decided to buy a hooker. The hooker came in, and they proceeded to get it on. The whole time, she would pound on his arm and say, "Kawasaki!!kawasaki!!" and he thought to himself, "wow, I must be doing a GREAT job" and go at it even harder. The lady began SCREAMING "Kawasaki, kawasaki!!" and he was even more thrilled. They finished, and she dressed and left in a real hurry, giving him dirty looks. The next day, the man went to play golf with one of the company directors of the firm whose contract he was trying to land. On the third hole, the japanese business man landed a hole in one, and the american shakes his hand and says, "kawasaki!" The other man looked angrily at him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?!?" |
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in wind ows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. |
LOL that's the truest thing I've read in a long time.:D
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so what was it the boys did today that made you tear your hair out? |
Well, me personally.....my little guy who isn't two yet tried to restring the guitar all by himself.....I have a future rock star on my hands....if you can't play it, TRASH it.
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LOL :D
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