I know, I know, these aren't jokes but they are still funny!


Actual court quotes


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!



http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

A man is sleeping one night when he's awakened by a phone call. A doctor from the hospital is on the other end, and tells the man that his wife has been in a terrible accident, and he has to come to the hospital immediately.

When the man arrives at the hospital, a doctor greets him with a very grave expression. "How is she!?" says the man, in a panic.

"I'm afraid the news isn't good, sir," replies the doctor. "Your wife was seriously injured, and she's lost the use of her body from the neck down. From now on, you'll have to do everything for her. Feed her, bathe her, help her go to the bathroom, everything."

"Oh my god," says the man. "This is terrible. Nothing could be worse than this."

The doctor stares at him for a minute, then suddenly bursts out laughing. "What's so funny?" the man says angrily.

The doctor says, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."

LMFAO


What does it take to make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off.

What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.

How do you know an elephant's on it's period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand, and your mattress is missing.

How can you tell if your girlfriends too fat?
If she sits on your face, and you can't hear the stereo.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.

LOL that seems pretty accurate:)

Plan X

A husband and wife are having sex upstairs with the window open when a bumblebee flies in the window and into the wife’s vagina. The man and the woman freak out and decide to go to the emergency room. When they finally get to see a doctor, he says that his plan is to put honey on the tip of his penis, to start having sex with the woman, and then to attract the bee and pull out his penis along with the bee. After a minute the husband and wife agree to the plan. The doctor starts having sex with the wife. At first the mood is still calm, but after a couple of minutes the doctor starts groping the wife’s breasts. She starts moaning and screaming along with the doctor. The husband yells, "Wait a minute! What the hell do you think you are doing doctor?" and the doctor replies, "change of plan buddy, I’m gonna drown this son of a bitch"


Confessional

A priest is receiving confession, and a rabbi joins him. A woman comes up to the priest and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The priest asks "how many times?". The woman says three. The priest says "OK I’ll tell you what. You donate $20 and say 12 Hail May and you are forgiven".
After this the priest has to go somewhere and he tells the rabbi "You stay and
confess the rest of these people, after all it is the same God. Just be sure and get the money". So the rabbi is sitting there and another woman comes up and says "Father I have comitted adultery". The rabbi asks "how many times?", and the woman says once. Now he is stumped and he asks her again "are you sure it was’nt three times". The woman is offended and says in an indignant tone "No father, it was just once". So the rabbi says "OK I will tell you what. You donate $20 and say 12 Hail May and the church will owe you two fucks".


Oh Jesus

One day little Susie went out to play when she found her cat Mr. Piddles laying in the garden with his legs straight up. Well she got scared and went to get her daddy. When the father saw he said "Sweety im sorry but Mr. Piddles is dead. "She said "well why is his legs up in the air?" Daddy told her because it will be easier for Jesus to sweep down and grab his leg and take him to heaven. Well a few days passed and the father came home from work, Susie came running up to him and said "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Daddy asked "What do you mean? " She said "Well mommy was laying on the floor with her legs in the air saying "Oh Jesus Im coming, Im coming", And if it wasnt for the mailman holding her down,she surely would have gone!

I hope this doesn't offend anybody.


Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Casue anybody that can run,jump or swim is already over here.

:cool: Good one. lol.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.

What do you call the same guy in the ocean?
Skip.

What do you call the same guy at your door?
Matt.

What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?
Art.

What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.

What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?
A zipper.

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dicktater.

When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is angry at you?
She leaves the string in.