I really like this and it's not because it's Rick and Morty related, but it is a very good think piece about people who are highly intelligent but otherwise have very lonely and miserable lives versus people who are oblivious to higher intelligence but they live life happy, a lot happier than someone who is a deep thinker. If you have a moment watch this because I would love to hear some opinions.



I think the whole idea of who we are meant to be has to do with very early childhood development. Those are the years we learn the most and develop the biggest part of our personality. Those who grow up privileged being handed everything they want or having close family and a support system generally grow up a lot happier than the people who are surrounded by violence and neglect and a dark negative upbringing. It takes tragedy to make people think in new ways which allows them to evolve intellectually. The privileged people who don't have much to worry about never have a need to use these emotions or certain survival skills for a lack of a better term and they grow up to be more like Jerry while the people who have always had to stay ahead of the curb for whatever reason, exercise their brain much more thus unlocking more potential and discovering more about yourself which allows you to become more like Rick.

So I had previously spoken with someone on Facebook who lives here in Las Vegas about a retreat in Peru that does Ayahuasca ceremonies with shamans. I've read a lot about people going there and staying for a week or two and coming back a completely different person. I am very curious about this and very interested. I had made a new Facebook account since my other one was suspended for getting reported for arguing with someone, I shouldn't have I know, and I met this guy on that specific account and now I can't remember his name but I did find a website for a group here in Las Vegas that is involved with the Peruvian shamans. Apparently to go down there for a week, I'm assuming this includes travel, is $1,250. It would take me a while to save that up but it would be a goal I can save for and it will give me an excuse to finally get a passport as I have been wanting to start trying to put money back and travel little by little when I can. I can't help but feel like this would be a life-changing and much-needed experience for me.

AhaaHaa watch it



3:19 Face ::big grin::

Shit like this genuinely and truly disgusts me to the Core. In my opinion (because I know the difference between opinions and facts unlike useless fucks like this tranny), this "person" is no different than those fucking black extremists assholes that instigated all that shit at the Washington Monument. In my opinion they have absolutely no fucking place in society and if Donald Trump honestly wants to eradicate this country of problems, why not eradicate this country of problematic and potentially dangerous people who feel the self-entitlement to take it upon themselves to lash out in such belligerence at people? There's going to be a time when people start fighting back because they can't take people getting in their faces and screaming at them and imposing their own will and opinions on them anymore and it's all going to be because people feel the need to exploit shit like this or refuse to step in and do anything. That guy was sitting there filming this while that person was yelling and screaming and trying to hit the guy. He was also laughing about it. It's nice to know people let shit like this happen and exploit it in order to get popularity on YouTube. This country fucking sucks and this world fucking sucks. Nobody gives a shit anymore about hate raping everyone with their ideas and morals and if you don't agree with them the slightest you might as well die the most painful way imaginable because it's not going to affect the instigators in the least bit and their sadistic sexual desires long for the Everlasting and most extreme suffering possible.

It's time people stop smiling and turning the other cheek and start making examples out of people like this. I'm not a fan of violence but nobody is going to stop until they realize that no one is going to ignore anymore. I'm tired of everyone throwing around the word stereotype or they just aren't all there in the head. Obviously they aren't all there in the head so we are just going to let them wander around and do what they want to people and pretend like it's okay like they are mentally handicapped children and we are supposed to bend over backwards to every fucking thing they do? No... these people need to learn some goddamn respect and how it feels to be ridiculed and put on the spot and have people screaming in their faces just because they don't like something they are doing whether if it's affecting them or not. This summer when I'm out and about more I dare anybody to get in my face like that. I don't care what color they are, if they act like they are whacked out on some kind of drug or mentally handicapped or what they claim to have in their backpack. I have my fists and I have the strong will to shut somebody up even if it means making them choke to death on their own teeth.

I feel so hurt and angry today. I talked to my grandfather last night and he went from telling me he was never going to apologize to me for anything and then last night told me he was sorry if I felt like he did anything wrong which he knows he did but yet his pride won't allow him to give me closure because that's far more important to him then actually even admitting he knows what I'm talking about. Next week I'm going to trip again and take my feelings there and see if I can put it behind me once and for all.

I have kind of scanned over a lot of your family related posts...and while some would have a conflicting way to go about handling this, let me say as a person who has walked away from two of his (not just any) immediate family - I've never felt so unburdened, happy, better about myself and had so little stress since doing so.

The fucked up thing is you sometimes don't even realise HOW bad it is while experiencing it, frog in hot water etc.
There are people that say things to family that they never should.
There are fucking reptiles in this world that have no respect or regard for their own no matter what you've been through or how much you've given them of your love, your effort, your soul.
Sometimes there is no solution but to walk the other way...you never know man...people who let themselves go past a point with this might not ever come back, one way or another.

Someone told me that it's actually ok, and a person ought to consider removal of toxins as a good thing, no matter what hurdles, adjustments and emotional turmoil you have to go through to do it. Whoever those toxins may be.
I don't know what their family background was to have arrived at that place, or even if it was based on their own personal experience...but they spoke the truth.



I'll be clear on this, while you might get that I'm more than a little biased. I think it's perfectly ok to say "fuck family".
Just don't come to the decision lightly, and stay true to whatever it is.
Person can only do so much before whatever damage being done sticks.
People value you, or they don't. Act accordingly. It's for your own good.

Thank you for that Cheeba, I really appreciate it. I feel like so many people can't even begin to understand what I'm going through because either they can't relate or don't realize there are people in this world that are so sensitive that it is nearly impossible to let go of certain things on their own and it has so many people looking at me like I'm feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am. That was always my grandfather's go to no matter what the situation whether if that's saying with applied or not because he never allowed himself, or wanted to think any further than that because that's the extent of what my problems meant to him.

I know people are stubborn and set in their ways and people like my Grandpa would rather take his pride to his grave knowing it is intact and he doesn't have to admit to what he really is, a reptile, like you said. It's funny, because that was the exact word I was thinking about him and these other people who have always operated under the radar because they knew I was unable to see what they were doing through years of careful manipulation and using the fact that they were family and I never thought someone like him could do something like that to me but just like with Angela, my ex, everything just punched me right in the head all at once. I was able to see everything he has done to me over the years when my grandmother was alive and after she died. Everything before she died was just smoke and mirrors. I don't know if him and the rest of the family were jealous because my grandmother and I had a special bond, or so I thought, that she didn't have with anyone else, including her own husband, or just the fact that they never could stand that my mother married a cokehead rapist and I was the result of that. They always needed their Whipping Boy and before my mother died it was her. Everyone knew she was an alcoholic and she was just like me, or I was just like her, had little to no tolerance for people that are being assholes to our faces and neither of us have much of a filter. So they, my family, would be at my grandmother's house every year on Christmas Eve with my aunt bragging about buying her underage step kids alcohol and getting them drunk only to have my grandparents laugh about but then would get so enraged at my mother for showing up drunk, never mind the fact that my father completely destroyed her before he died, but that doesn't matter when the public image of the family is at stake. Anytime I would get ready to defend her or myself or come back at something they say, my grandmother would shake her head no at me to silence me while letting the rest of the family say whatever they wanted. And the fact that my grandmother told me I was a disgrace to the family for laying on a damn bed of nails at a family arcade where a two-year-old could do it if they wanted to really hurt me. Maybe none of them where ever genuine, I don't know, but I also realize just because they are family it doesn't mean they have to be good people or that they are good people. I just find it quite sad that they couldn't do any of this one my grandmother or my mother was still alive because of how cowardly they really are. I mean half of my family wants me dead or to just disappear and the other half of the family hates me for not coming to my grandmother's funeral which was deliberately spearheaded by my grandfather who purposely avoided telling me about it hoping I wouldn't come and he got what he wanted so my mother, who was gone in the head at this point anyway from all the alcohol rotting her brain, along with her crazy ass redneck husband, threatened to kill me if they ever saw me again. It's like they deliberately set me up to sabotage me and my grandfather's excuse was he had enough on his mind and I know that part is true, but someone told my cousins who lived out of state and they were there and so was the rest of the family and when I pointed that out to him he quickly changed his excuse to maybe no one could get in touch with me even though my aunt called my phone the same day my grandmother died before she died to tell me that she said she forgave me for a fight we had. My grandpa knew my number too and despite calling me within an hour after my mother died to tell me and couldn't let me know in a 48-hour period, tells me everything I need to know. I mean you can polish a turd but it's still a turd.

I absolutely hate the fact that I can't let things go as easily as some do. I still have quite a bit of prejudice for one person here in particular for deliberately taking part in causing me to get cheated on simply because sadism and narcissism is the only way some people can cum. There are a lot of sick and miserable fucks in this world and I hate that about myself that things stick to me the way they do, I mean I know that's a totally different situation altogether and it would have probably happened regardless, but still, it's shit like that people have to deliberately keep fucking with my life for no reason at all when all I want is people to be genuine or at least leave me the fuck alone.

I know I'm highly sensitive, way more sensitive than the average person. I'm working on changing that and 37 years of damage is hard to undo and takes time but considering I have only been in Las Vegas 8 months, weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm able to think more clearly because I'm able to solely be independent and not have my grandfather hovering over me and criticizing me for everything I do that he doesn't approve of. The Psychedelic medicine is helping a lot as well and my next trip I'm going to take this with me and see if I can put it to rest once and for all. I know I am very unique with my emotions and that's why I know I have some kind of purpose despite my belief that we do not have predetermined Destiny's. I still feel there is something inside me trying to get out and whatever it is we'll do something that will make my mark whether it be on a long-term or just helping people understand or see things more clearly because so many people in this world are blinded by denial like I was and probably still am.

I need to shed this part of my ego that always needs to have approval or someone there who cares about me because I have this fucked-up delusion of what life is supposed to be because that's what people like my grandparents told me when I was younger only to apparently be deliberately feeding me lies. When I was younger I guess there was a part of me that wanted people to pity me and look at me and see all the things that happened to me and show me a Little Bit of Sympathy because between the abuse at home, physical or mental and then the abuse at school, physically, mentally and socially, I just wanted somebody to stop and say that they care and they will listen but I never had that until I got with Angela who used that to her advantage and completely fucked my head up. I almost feel like there is some kind of angry Drive in me trying to get out because I get so angry and so worked up over shit. Hell, the post above yours Cheeba was originally this long-drawn-out rant even going as far as ripping apart the person mentioned above but I didn't want to get in trouble and I didn't want to bring that kind of negative attention so I altered it to a much shorter and condensed version of what I was saying before with personal insults left out.

This whole thing has got me all fucked up right now. Luckily I'm not taking it the way I did when my ex cheated on me when I actually tried to kill myself and the fact that 50 Seroquel wouldn't do me in tells me that I do have more of a purpose and whatever force it is that lies Beyond, God, isn't finished with me so I have taken this second chance at life to start turning it around and as I said before, I have over three decades of damage to undo and it will probably take decades to undo it, let's hope not though, but I just need to figure out how to let things go so they don't eat at me and tear me apart like they have been doing my entire life.

He finally admitted it to me. My grandpa told me he didn't tell me because he didn't think I gave a damn about her which if I was in front of him and he said that shit I would be tempted to take a swing because we talked almost every day and despite her faults and mine, she and I were closer with each other than we were with anyone else in the family and now that I know that's why he didn't tell me about her until he knew I wouldn't be able to get there is because he didn't think I cared about her or at least that's his excuse. He then said that now since I have had my Revelation I'm trying to blame everyone but myself when I don't even understand how that statement applies. Of course I blame everyone in the family for not telling me about my grandmother. I realize now that my grandfather is just a fake and a coward.

And on the morning of the day my grandmother died, my aunt called me to tell me that my grandmother loved me and forgave me for an apology I made over a argument we had and apparently when my aunt called me and my grandmother had already died but she purposely didn't tell me. Don't you just love how shity people are to each other?

I think I can start getting closure now as I realized it wasn't the apology I was looking for, it was the confession and I finally got it. Time to start moving forward!

watch it

I love this guy. "Oh boy! Here I go killing again."

Has anyone heard anything from DBT lately? I know he never was around all that much to begin with but he seems to be unusually absent a little longer than normal.

I noticed that also.

Maybe they're dead?

"PARTY AT ANTON'S!"

I was starting to think you were dead Cheebs

These mushrooms are great!

The past thirty-six hours have been batshit crazy for me.



Wednesday I got my azurescens and needless to say I fucked up and ate way too many. I didn't get the full on color experience or had a breakthrough but I did have quite an ego shattering mind trip. I again Revisited all my thoughts and memories of what my family has done to me and have realized that I am a victim of circumstance. My mom's family hated my dad and my dad's family hated my mom and my mom's family looked at me as my dad's son and my dad's family saw me as my mother's son. I realized my grandfather probably wasn't deliberately being a bad person to me, I mean my aunt called me after my grandmother had died to tell me that she loved me and forgave me but did not tell me she had just died. My grandfather admitted this to me last week and it devastated me to know that they would deliberately not tell me even after calling me anyway.

I burst into tears thinking about all of this and began feeling terrible for the way I approached my grandfather about this and the personal attacks on him and the rest of the family. I called this morning and left a message on his answering machine because he doesn't answer it for me anymore but I told him that I realize I'm just a victim of circumstance and he always made me feel like the others were above me. My grandmother loved me. I was always her favorite because we did everything together and when I wasn't around I called her everyday to talk to her. I don't know if this made everyone else jealous or what but the point is I told him that life is too short to hold grudges and that I love him and despite the way I feel I still want him in my life and I invited him to call me.

So back to Wednesday night, after I had my moment, I began getting a little frustrated that I wasn't having any other kind of trip so me being the dumbass that I am, I decided to make tea out of the rest of the ounce. I took a few drinks of the tea and I figured that would get me where I wanted to go so I went and laid down on my bed with the lights and TV off waiting for the trip to start. Again, nothing. At this point I was annoyed and decided to go to bed and just try again Thursday morning. It was then I got up to go use the bathroom and when I came back and lay down my entire body started going numb. Before I could really stop and think about why this was happening my entire body was in paralysis. I began getting scared and my breathing became more of a short gaspq and while I couldn't move I was still trying with all of my might to get to my phone just in case I couldn't snap out of it and had to call 911 but it was no use. I actually laid there and made peace with dying because I thought that's what was about to happen.

The breathing problem continued for about 2 or 3 minutes before I finally started being able to get deeper breaths. A few minutes later I was able to start wiggling my toes and fingers and eventually able to start moving my legs and arms. It was then I fell asleep and when I woke up yesterday morning, still shaken by the incident the night before, I made the second stupid mistake of taking a few more drinks of the tea. I immediately started feeling weird in a bad way and knew I fucked up and was about to have a bad trip so I laid down again with my eyes shut and just took it. I took in all of the guilt from the way I have talked to my grandfather and family. I know they deserved it but the way I blew up on them with the words I used made me feel extremely guilty and it haunted me 4 hours until I was finally able to fall asleep again. I slept off and on all day yesterday and last night. I still feel a little weak and shaky today but this evening when I can regain my composure I'm going to freeze the mushrooms I have left since they are wet and we'll go bad in a few days if I don't do something with them. I talked to the guy who I got them from and he was telling me I took too much and that I should freeze them and only eat 1 cap at a time because of how strong they are and I think I'm going to do that. I'm a stupid fucking idiot huh? ::big grin::

I threw the rest of the mushrooms away and I'm done with them. All they are doing now is making my mouth numb and after the incident the other night, I learned that they literally can kill you if you ingest too many of them. I mean I ingested a quarter at the most which is a lot but definitely should not make your entire body go paralyzed and have you barely be able to take a breath to the point where you lay there and make peace with dying.

I'm done with this shit and I need to start saving my money up and working more on me. When it warms up this summer I went to go out and start mingling more like I did last summer and try to work on meeting people or even see how my pick up skills fair. I mean I realize I'm not a club person but Fremont Street, which is fun, isn't that far from me and there's a bar about 2 mi from me on my street that Anthony Bourdain used to go to that I really want to check out. I'll save the clubs for when I have a date that likes to dance.

I'm realizing just how out-of-whack my priorities have always been and since I have gotten away from everyone I knew I don't have to worry about offending anyone or seeking their approval and I have came so far and not even a year and I am so proud of myself and when I get back into school, if I get back in I should say, I'm going to take full advantage of it and push myself hard this time. The last time I had to rely on my ex getting me to and from school so I flunked out but this time it's all on me.

Life moves slow but right now that's exactly how I need it to move.

I'm so glad that I'm surviving the winter. For Florida it's been pretty cold here and I got the flu/cold for about 2 weeks straight. It was awful, but I'm glad I was able to get through it. I just hate the side effects to the medication that I was given. So glad I'm off of them now and don't have to deal with it any longer. Since than I've been focusing my time on creative writing and art again. I'm thinking about doing a new art piece soon, just nothing is coming to me yet. Sure something will come though. ::cool::

Hey, Night!

FIIIIIIGHT.

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

Glad you're feeling better, Night! What sort of writing and art are ya likely to do these days? Look forward to seeing it!

::cool::::cool::This place is so much better with Morningriser on ignore ::cool::::cool::

Your straightforwardness makes me so moist.

Tell me more senpai!

Mushrooms on toast.
This was nice.
Wrong thread...or is it?
As I was eating, the thought "I should eat this more" occurred.

If I had the right mushrooms I would eat them often also. I found out what happened with my previous trip. I am on antidepressants & a mood stabilizer and I found out that the particular mushroom, like many other psychedelics, lowers your serotonin and the psychological medicines do as well and that interacts with one another which makes it much harder to have a trip. With that said, these particular mushrooms can be deadly if you eat too many of them as it puts your body in paralysis and can prevent you from even breathing, which it nearly did to me and it could have killed me. I wasn't having the trip I wanted so I ate too many of them and it show me exactly what it feels like to be completely paralyzed and it is scary as fuck! I mean I was already fucked up to death so I was more calm than I normally would be and the fact that I laid there accepting that I was going to die makes me wonder how I would feel when I actually am about to die.

You need that ego death.
...I was just talking about standard button mushrooms on toast though.

I have had a breakthrough but not a full-on ego death breakthrough, I don't think I will be able to have one well on my medicine. Since my original mushroom trip last month, I feel like I've pay much better attention than I did before hand.

I did some research on the Masonic Lodge I was made at. It's one of the oldest in NC or in U.S. it's been around since the American revolution. :D


BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

We all just need to
off our pants and our panties and shit on the floor because it's time to get schwifty in here!

Does anyone else have these weird unsettling feeling, something between depressed and empty? I don't know if it's the Solstice fucking with me or what but it's just one of those evenings.

I get that sometimes too. Goes along with my depression and anxiety. Sometimes I'll feel like that, other times just numb. It sucks

Mining might have to do was running out of weed last night. Sometimes when I run out I feel a little shity for a day or two afterwards but I as well suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm bipolar and have PTSD and all that other lovely junk that makes us the Beautifully Broken Souls we are. I'm just glad I didn't drink because sometimes when I drink and I feel like this I go off the rails. Hell, half the time my brain is just one big klusterfuk of racing thoughts and curb stomping emotions.

Yeah smoking weed is much better for depression and all that then drinking, mellows you out. Haven't done that in awhile. Might have to soon. Keep your head up

Yeah I don't drink very often at all anymore. In my younger years I drank like practically everyone else my age but over time it just started making me feel worse and then a few years ago when my ex and I broke up I went on this two-week drinking binge we're from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I was drinking and then when I finally quit I thought for sure I was going to die from the DTs.

Alcohol is also the biggest part of what killed my mother as well so it's also for that reason I try to avoid it but sometimes I do feel like having a drink and if I'm in a good mood I am a happy drunk but if I get depressed I turn into an emotional asshole.

I don't know if anyone has ever seen the documentary modify or not, but this guy had his little piece in it and I ran across this video completely forgetting about him. Give this guy a Darwin Award! Not only does he have no clue what he's talking about, he completely contradicts himself.

I just found out I won two tickets to go see this really good Tool cover band Friday at the House of Blues!

Endo started a Horror forum too it looks like.

Who is endo?